Painful Parodies III: Chris Bailey Conquers Religion!

As I sit here typing, I sense a rise coming. My second favourite type of rise. After successfully taking over England (ChrisLand) and The USA (USCB), I feel I should be broadening my sunlit horizons. Don't get me wrong, my mass of followers, increased wealth and scantly clad glamour models do somewhat amuse. But deep deep down, there lies a festering annoyance... Religion!

How past civilisations read a book about a fictional character and chose to follow their life according to its rules. Then thrusting their opinions on us like thrusting an erect member. It's all so disgusting and soggy, like Marmite.

I released a book! Nobody follows that as a life guide! Well that's all about to change! I am going to travel back in time and replace that plot hole ridden book with a copy of Maybe, Misery 17: The return of Talons Tax Return.

 So I tell my butler Jeeves to build me a time machine. He's good at that stuff but useless if you ASK him any-fucking-thing.

Here's a picture of Jeeves' COMPLETELY ORIGINAL time machine...

So, I take a seat and scour the interior... "Where's the iPod adapter you useless sack of sperm?" Jeeves yet again has no answer.

So off I go... Back to the future of the past. I arrive at sometime or other, pre iPod and find I am in a desert. Oh what I would give for a chocolate fudge sundae. There's sand and... more sand. I fucking hate sand. 

Here's a picture of me and my nemesis...

I travel to a near by Oasis and acquire the location of this Jesus fellow. The stall owner tells me "He's over by the WONDERWALL." Then points right to him making his comment null and void.

I search on endlessly, for at least three minutes. Until I come across some bearded guy casually hanging around a cross. "Are you Jesus?"

"Why yes I am, I'm about to sacrifice myself for all of my kind."

"I wouldn't bother. They become useless and most of them wont even care."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I'm afraid so. You may as well go to that brothel over there and enjoy this gift of time."

"Cheers mate, what's your name?"

"Chris bailey..."

"You're my hero Chris."

"Here take this photo of me, so you remember what we achieved here. Life is a gift of time, given to us by chance... that is what we should follow."

"I couldn't agree more, now I'm off to get my freak on."

And just like that, he leaves... 

Here's a picture of Jesus with a picture of me....

    

I find the man writing the bible, convince him that sometimes you need to take a break from writing and send him to the brothel. I then pinch his first draft and replace it with a copy of Maybe, Misery 17 and return home to an enlightened era of man.