Story-time with the Four Bananas. (No.12)

Good morning everybody. I hope you have all had a lovely week and if you're feeling a bit down because it's only a Tuesday; remember it's my Friday today :p My thanks go to my bananas as usual and today we have a special surprise. Rick has gifted us with some poetry, so enjoy...

Duty Calls by C.S. Bailey

The year is 2033; I am a marine commander of an alpha unit sent in to eradicate threats to our galaxy. My team and I traverse the galaxy seeking out our enemies and destroy them with extreme vigilance and unparalleled precision.
We have travelled far, to the planet Epsilon where a group of marines have gone missing; our job is to penetrate the caverns and bring them home to safety.
All of a sudden there is a knock at the door. Appearing before me is a familiar figure.
“Nan, get out of my bloody room while I’m playing video games!”

The Monster Within by Nav Logan

Monsters come in all shapes and sizes, as do heroes. You can find these monsters anywhere. They lurk in your workplace, your supermarket, hiding at the back of the school yard. They prey on weakness and fear. The smaller you feel, the bigger they become.

Any perceptible flaw is a tool for their exploitation and they know no pity; no reason. They revel in the power we give them.

It is time to stand together against them. It is time for us all to say no, this is not acceptable. Make a stand. Bullying must become a thing of the past.

The Collectors by Bryan Thomas

"I've caught another one!" Elizabeth shouted.

"Well done," her father replied. "How many have you got now?"

"Seventeen."

"That's two more than I have."

"They are funny little things, aren't they?"

"Yes, Elizabeth, they're quite peculiar."

Elizabeth peered into her jar. "I can't tell which ones are male and which are female."

"It's not easy but with a little experience you'll soon be able to. When we get home I'll show you how to asphyxiate them and you can put them in your new display cabinet."

"Daddy, what did you say they are called again?"

"Humans, Elizabeth, they're called humans."

My Little Runaway by Rick Haynes

Where are you going to my little runaway?
There’s only pain today.
Is it true you are lost my precious runaway?
Just hunger pangs today.
There’s no one at home who understands you.
So how will you cope in the cold and the dark?

Your world so empty.
Your life so sad.

There are no answers little runaway.
Where will you be sleeping tonight?
There are no sympathies precious runaway.
So how will you feel tonight?

But maybe tomorrow will be brighter.
For maybe your star will shine.
So turn around my little runaway.

Heaven’s too full of your kind.

Some words from Rick...

"Some time ago, I was asked to contribute to a scheme highlighting the plight of neglected and abused children in the USA. The weapon of choice being the mighty pen, I decided to write a Drabble. With only 100 words to play with I knew that it had to be punchy, yet thought provoking, and with an important message in the last line.

My Little Runaway immediately jumped into my head and the message refused to abate until I had finished. Although, I must confess that the last few words took a few days to appear in my grey matter.

As a man I deplore man’s inhumanity to man. As a father and grandfather, I loathe any cruelty to children no matter where they live.

My Little Runaway is dedicated to all those alone in the dark."

Shopping for Faces.

So last night I had some good news, it's my last night shift next Saturday! *Everyone praises the heavens* So, not only will I get a normal sleeping pattern, but I'll get more time for the gym and to write. Now as you may recall, Maybe, Misery contained the appearances of real people. Not personality wise but just the looks. It gave the characters more realism to me and helped me imagine how they would actually say things. Anyway, despite the Talon Strand being over a year away! I am already shopping for faces, Normally people I know. Out of the five characters, I have four faces. Which isn't bad going. I have one left to claim and it's Mason Butler. If you are one of the few that read Maybe, Misery you will know, he is the sort of villain. I say sort of because it wasn't really a hero/villain story. This time around though, we follow through his (and the four others!) life. 

So anyway, I have been reading Maybe, Misery to keep me in the right frame of mind and I still love it. Though I was considering if it may have been better, had I organised it backwards. You know, so the end was at the start. That way, you learnt why he became such an ass hole towards the end. Anyway self-absorbed egotistic loving of ones own work aside, I'm looking forward to releasing it upon the world. 

I guess there's a lot riding on this book. Not only is it a sequel (though it's not really) but I get the feeling this book will decide whether I write any more. purely because I seem to be in a constant limbo (thanks brain).

I purchased a new printer the other day. Got all excited and then realised you have to buy the cable separate. Money grabbing ass holes. So now the printer has come, but I have to wait for the cable. 

Any way, I'm sure I had more to say but it's come time for me to say good bye. I'm off to see my nan and make us some tea, then destroy her at cards *insert evil laugh* 

I hope you all have a lovely Sunday and I'll see you on Tuesday.

Much love

The Weekly Round-Down. (No.8)

This week ... I haven't done anything! Surely I have ... Right, my memory is abysmal. I went through the draft of our Halloween story again and it really is looking good. Ava, got back to me yesterday about a cover and it looks really really awesome! Oh yeah, last Friday I got extremely drunk, I was hungover all bloody day. I'm getting too old for that malarkey. I bought a new tennis racket and I must admit, I've started to improve yet I still fucking lose. I'm not one for losing, though I haven't chucked my racket on the floor in frustration yet ... I'd like to keep it new and shiny.

I got told that my move off the night shift has yet again been delayed ... this annoys me greatly. Like I bloody enjoy switching from days to nights to days every week. I wouldn't mind if it was a week of each, but it's both in the week. I was actually late for work, which never bloody happens! I slept through my alarm. Fuckers. I have been contemplating looking for a new job.

Oh yes, in case you missed it, I conquered E.L. James! And found it greatly amusing that Nav Logan didn't have a clue who she was. He is a legend. I decided that it was the last of the painful parodies, then realised that I forgot that talentless, childhood-destroying bastard that is Michael Bay.

I have been procrastinating greatly when it comes to my own work, even though I've bought a printer to print off the first draft of The Talon Strand. I have also been working on the story I'm writing with Jolie, with the working title of Beating Hearts.

I also watched Dawn of the planet of the apes, it wasn't too bad. It's a wait for DVD title.

This week has been a bit weird and I'm not quite sure why ... I hope you have all had a good week and I'll be back soon.

Much love

C.S

Bailey & Friends: Rick Haynes

What can I say about Rick except for the fact that he's awesome. We met on the kindle users forum and he has continued to entertain me every since. We invited him to work with us on our Halloween project and he has contributed greatly, far beyond his own part. So this post is dedicated to Mr. Rick.
We have drabbles from Rick and his family for you all to enjoy... Don't forget to give his Facebook page a like, he's not one of those spammers :) And don't forget to have a good day.

HOGSHEAD TUNNEL by Rick Haynes

The distinguished speaker had officially opened the Hindhead Tunnel. It had taken over fifty years for the idea to finally become a reality.
As the crowd dispersed, the first cars trundled through the tunnel. No longer would the Hindhead bottleneck be a major problem for traffic on the A3.
Two old hedgehogs stood high on the banking.
‘We can once again cross the old road without fear.’
‘Yes. Too many died young.’
‘Humans really are stupid creatures. It takes them so long to make up their minds. They sleep during the best time and they don’t even hibernate in winter.’

Rick's Facebook page

THE SECRET by Teresa Haynes

The young woman sat in total darkness wondering how long she had been waiting there. The silence emanated all around her and although she couldn’t see, she could feel the presence of someone else in the room; she knew she was not alone. How much longer could she stand it, not being able to move or speak?
Suddenly there was movement around her and she knew her time had come. The apprehension was unbearable and she started trembling. The door opened and the room was bathed in bright light.
She stood up and everyone followed in unison.
‘Surprise! Happy Birthday!’

Rick's Amazon page

LIFE by Ryan Haynes

I cannot see, I cannot hear, I cannot breathe, and yet I feel very content. A rush of water flows over my body. My head is being crushed by a force I cannot describe, and I feel a heavy impact strike my back. I gasp for air, fighting for my life. My eyes open and I see four silhouetted shadowy figures standing in a hazy light, but I have no idea who they are or for that matter who I am.
The confusion is terrifying.
Then!
With the voice of an angel, I hear my name.
Samuel Francis Jones.

BLAZE AWAY by Steve Haynes

It was suicide but this bunker was of strategic importance.
‘We’ve battled through half the night and made it this far lads, so go out in a blaze of glory.’
‘Do we know any other way?’ chuckled Reaper.
The intermittent headset chatter was lost in the confusion as plasma fire punctured the night sky.
‘Shit! We lost Dante. Godammit Reaper, give us some covering fire. We’re getting chewed to pieces.’
‘Cypher’s gone! Cypher’s gone! You’re gonna make it Rogue 20. Only ten metres! Come on!  BOOM!’
‘Noooooooo!’
 A voice echoed up the stairs.
‘One more try, then off to bed.’
 

Painful Parodies VI: Chris Bailey Conquers E L James!

Like Return of the Jedi, I had hoped for a happy ending. Full of Ewoks, adventure and awful aliens, my life has been riveting to say the least. However, after global domination Scarlett J and I wanted the quiet life. Just to get away from it all.

We decided to go away to Switzerland and get married, it was a spectacular occasion. Here's a picture of us on the big day...

We returned home from our honeymoon and life was grand. I planned to sell the ranch and move to an island I had recently bought. I decided to check my email and found one from a certain E.L. James, claiming that she didn't like the way I described her so-called writing. The daft bugger even decided to quote what I had said... like I had forgotten.

 "Full of wooden, repetitive, frequently juvenile-sounding prose, and the profoundly un-erotic sex scenes, this book is so awful that I can barely contain my sanity.

Christian Grey is a narcissistic, controlling, possessive idiot  with his messy hair, grey eyes (how original) and you should feel ashamed to have created him."

I was quite proud when writing this and now out-sold by Maybe, Misery 17, I could understand her anger towards me. After all, egotists love a good scene.

So anyway it's late at night and I hear a knocking at the door. I grab my lightsaber (thanks NASA) and head downstairs. I open the door and there stands the beast herself...

"Argh! You scared me! What do you want?"

"I hate you Chris Bailey! Prefer to feel the full thingy of my wraith!"

"You're not going to make me read one of your books are you?"

"Raaaawwwwrrrr!"

The beast is angry. "Woman, calm down. So what I didn't like your book. You still got rich and created millions of just as awful copycats."

"Raaaawwwwrrrr!"

I run downstairs to the basement as she stamps behind me. I find my COMPLETELY ORIGINAL combat suit and chuck it on...

Damn I look good. As she reaches my position, I throw my trusty shield but it has little to no effect, talk about emasculating. "Woman! Don't be mad because Maybe, Misery was better written! At least my character admitted his flaws,"

"Raaaawwwwrrrr!"

"Shut up! You're going to wake Scarlett!"

"Raaaawwwwrrrr!"

For Christ sake, there's only one thing I can do in this position. I take a leaf out of my own book, not literally, why would a book have leafs in it?

I grab some pink tie wraps from the draw...

E L stops dead in her tracks... "Tie wraps, kinky."

With fury upon my face I shout "That's my line!!!!!!!"

I sprint towards her and barge her onto the floor. I head to the bedroom and tell Scarlett to make me a sandwich. Then I don my swat uniform from the time I had to replace Colin Farrell on a film, they sacked him because he decided to star in Daredevil...

I shut off the power and sneak down the stairs. I move swiftly around the corners and I find her in the living room, stomping, grunting... BANG! I squeeze the trigger and she falls to the floor in a heap.

I step over to the body and as she takes her last breathe, I mutter the words "no one fucks with me, you little whore." In true Maybe, Misery fashion.

After the police came and enjoyed our party, cities everywhere rejoiced at the news. I was done, it was time to say good bye, get in my private aircraft and fly away to our Island. Good bye America, it's time for Jeremy Clarkson to take charge.

Here is a picture of our private jet...

Thanks NASA ... Live long and prosper.

*DISCLAIMER* - Author Chris Bailey, hopes you have enjoyed the adventures of the fictional character, Chris Bailey. These events are purely fictional and person(s) insulted, are purely in jest (for the most part). Also, stay away from my saga J.J!

Writers Edge Wednesdays! (No.3) The Bookmark.

Unless J.J Abram's get his hands on my saga, tomorrow will see the sixth and final adventure of your President, Chris Bailey. I won't tell you who he conquers, but I'll give you this clue... there's 50 shades of trouble.

Anyway, enjoy today's short story and have a lovely day, wherever you are.

The Bookmark

Sabrina slowly rubs her fingers down the laminated bookmark, right down to it's crumpled edges. She's had it for years, a prize from entering a indie-author competition. Despite numerous given away, she holds it in high regard as the author from whom Sabrina received it from was one of her favourites.

She would spend hours reading his books, sometimes whole days. Getting lost in the worlds he created, falling in love with the hero's and hating the villains. The author had reached a special place in her heart. What made him more appealing, was his intimate nature with his fans. Ever the social butterfly, Sabrina would comment on everything he posted and in most occasions, he would post back.

Eventually, like all things - her praise of him propelled to such a level that she felt the need to try and contact him directly. She typed her message, smiling constantly in the hopes that he would reply. Two weeks past... nothing. Four weeks... nothing still. 'Why would he ignore me?' She asked herself. 'It takes two minutes to send a message!'

Months past and she felt betrayed, hurt and angry. How could any one treat another human being like this. Then, one day, he post on his website that he would be in her town promoting his latest book.

Well Sabrina was furious, she wanted to tell him how much of an awful human being he was. How much he had pained her. She craved the idea of getting back at him.

Arriving at the event, the sun hit her face and like an oasis, the author appeared in the distance. Sabrina's blood boiled, her hands shaking and her teeth grinding. She grabbed the book mark from her handbag and rubbed it frantically. Sabrina had decided that since it was already signed, she would get him to sign her kitchen knife instead.  

Story-time with the Four Bananas + Guests. (No.11)

Just in case you haven't heard. We officially welcomed Rick Haynes to our banana collective last week. It's good to have him on board and if all four of us take place in a digital dinner party, it'll be easier to split the bill. Anyway, we're joined by the awesome Ken Magee this week. Thank you to my bananas, enjoy... Oh, wait I forgot to mention (about ten times), if you want to learn more about the authors featured just click on there names to proceed to their websites.

Dead Inside by C.S. Bailey

“Well you certainly are beautiful. I’m going to have a lot of fun with you.”

She lies straight, motionless, almost frozen and I feel it’s my duty to make her feel warmth again. I stroke my hands through her blonde hair and a smile crops upon my face.

I climb on top of her proving my dominance. As I gaze into her dilated pupils, I see a state of nothingness staring back at me.

Our lips lock and blood rushes through my veins to all the right places.

It was the best idea I’ve ever had to become a mortician.

Imagination by Nav Logan

If I am writing about zombies, it doesn't mean that I am undead.

If I wax lyrically about the challenges of being gay, it doesn't mean that I have to frequent gay bars

If my lead character is a woman, then I may be in touch with my feminine side or have good female friends, but a sex change is out of the question.

I may write about blood-sucking vampires, succubi or murderers, but that doesn't mean I have to be one. 

I am a writer, therefore I give my imagination free licence to pursue what-ifs. That’s what writers do!

Spiders by Bryan Thomas

"Mummy?"

"Yes?"

"Do spiders feel pain?"

"Umm... I'm not sure really. I don't think they have a central nervous system, so they probably don't."

"What if mummy spider had an accident? Would daddy spider and baby spider be upset?"

"I dunno... spiders are quite simple. They don't do feelings as such."

"So baby spider wouldn't be too bothered if daddy had an accident too?"

"It probably wouldn't spoil his day, if that's what you're thinking. I'm presuming baby is a 'he' of course."

"Thanks, Mum."

"Why all the questions?"

"Because I've just pulverised three spiders with your meat tenderising hammer."

Stage Fright by Rick Haynes

‘Next!’

The young actress stepped forward for her audition.

She was nervous but supremely confident in her abilities to make a lasting impression.

‘Darling! I really love you. In fact I would die for you,’ her voice echoed around the theatre.

‘Sorry! Next!’

As she turned to face the Director’s dismissive words, all colour drained from her cheeks.

Her legs buckled and gave way. She fell.

‘Is she okay?’ the Director asked.

‘No! Call an ambulance! She’s turning purple!’

One eye opened, then another.

Her face lit up in a huge smile.

‘I told you I could act.’

50 Shades of Denial by Ken Magee

“Her best friend saw me out with a blonde.”

“And that’s when the row started?”

“No. ‘Just business,’ I said. Then she saw the love note.”

“OK. The note sparked the row?”

“No. ‘It’s obviously a joke,’ I said, but then she smelt the perfume.”

“OK. The smell brought the hell?”

“No. ‘Got squirted in a department store,’ I said. That’s when she found the panties.”

“Right! That’ll be the row now, then?”

“No. I told her they were a present. ‘For me?’ she asked. ‘Nope,’ I said, ‘sure you’d never fit into those’… and that’s when the row started.”

Inferiority Complex/Complex Inferiority.

After my five day writing sprint, The Talon Strand has taken a short break from my company. Before I give the first draft to my proof readers, I plan to fatten it up and give it a bit more personality. Now as I've mentioned, I won't be releasing it if even one of my proof readers thinks it's not as good as the first.

It has to be written better, it has to be progression otherwise what's the point. I may as well create an anthology with the woman responsible for 8 shades of gray.

Now, I know that it has the potential to be better. Maybe, Misery was an explosion of everything. Following the escapades of an ass hole. The Talon Strand, follows characters who are directly and indirectly affected by Lance Talons decision.

Now before I go on, I want to let you know it was fucking hard writing for five different characters, especially in first person. After finishing this book, it has reignited the spark to write a third. Though I really don't want to. I know that doesn't make sense, it's just a pain in the ass with the dates and jumping backwards and forwards through time... especially when there's more than one character.

So anyway, despite all the positive feelings that have come with finishing this book, I can't help but feel it's inferior. Now let me clarify, I do NOT mean inferior in terms of quality. I just can't shake the feeling that it will never be as good as the first. Maybe people will like it more, but to me, it will never carry the magic that releasing the first one brought.

That excitement of designing the cover, of purchasing the copyright. The thrill of telling people you're about to release a book.

Perhaps what I mean to say, is that it will never mean as much to me as the first.

Unless it makes me enough money enabling me to hunt down every single person trying to emulate 50 shades of grey and give them a slap.

So if you come across this and are in the process of writing your first book. Love it, take care of every painstaking moment and realise that you are doing something wonderful.

The Weekly Round-Down. (No.7)

Bloody hell, as if it's been two weeks. As you can imagine a fair bit has happened, like losing my temper at people with no imagination, continuously being rubbish at tennis and making Rick Haynes a fully fledged banana.

Yes, my opinion on the self-publishing industry has taken a beating of late, mainly because there's just no moderation. There's a woman who calls herself an author. The motto on her website is 'your only limit is your imagination' or some such shit. Want to know one of the names of her books... 8 shades of gray: The land of the TWILIGHT!!! Are you kidding me woman! Where was your imagination when you came up with that title! At least steal from the best, you talentless beast! What the fuck happens when you get up to 49 shades? Maybe I should call my next book The Great Talon or even better... Talon and Juliet. Or why don't I take a leaf out of your shallow book and rename the Talon strand... Hamlet! Stupid people, if we traded in around 5 billion people for kittens, the world would be a better and cuter place. It really pisses me off.

While I was off work, the only real exercise I go was tennis... I'm still rubbish. I'd say I'm getting better, but I'd be lying.

Rick Haynes emailed me lots of drabbles, so he has been welcomed aboard and been given banana status. So next Tuesday, it will be Story-time with the FOUR bananas.

Our Halloween story is now going through the editing process. It's now my turn to go through it all. It's looking bloody good. Ava and Rick have buggered off on holiday, leaving me and Nav to cause mischief.

I've also started writing the story I'm doing with the lovely and talented Jolie Shanoian. Speaking of which, here's a bit about her...

Jolie Nicole Shanoian is the Author of Whimsey the Aristocratic Detective in the Case of the Notorious Nanny and Whimsey the Aristocratic Detective in Panda and Poppy’s British Adventure. She is currently working on the third installment of the Whimsey Adventures, Whimsey the Aristocratic Detective and the Ghosts of Highgate. When Jolie is not writing she is working on various art projects. She has produced greeting cards, shoulder bags, posters, leather jackets and unique one of kind dolls. In addition, she is currently illustrating a collaborative Halloween poem/picture book. Look for all creative updates on her production Company page Skippy Jack Production: Facebook

Amazon

I keep beating my Nan at cards, yet she refuses to play for a kitten, the cruel woman.

What else... I finally finished watching Vikings and it was nowhere near as good as people made it out to be. People seem to be easily entertained.

Oh yeah, In case you missed it, I beat up Justin Bieber...

I'm also starting preparations for the Talon Strand, which includes fattening the beast up, designing teasers and setting up a photo shoot for the front cover.

Also, I'm in the process of having some bookmarks made and my very own logo, how sexy is that!

Have a great weekend everybody, here is the top 15 songs you should be listening to... (I've just realised that I didn't actually post the top 15 last time, so apologies for that.)

(Lwp)
1. (n/a) Comanche – In This Moment
2. (n/a) The Devil In I – Slipknot
3. (n/a) Set Me On Fire – Flyleaf
4. (n/a) All the Right Things – Son Lux
5. (n/a) Mr. MTV – Nothing More
6. (n/a) Burn – In This Moment
7. (n/a) Shut Up And Swallow – Combichrist
8. (n/a) What the Fuck is Wrong With You – Combichrist
9. (n/a) Magnetic – Flyleaf
10. (n/a) Take Out the Gunman – Chevelle
11. (n/a) Again We Rise – Lamb of God
12. (5) Adrenalize – In This Moment
13. (3) My Wall – KoRn
14. (4) It Was Written in Blood (Remix) – Bring Me the Horizon
15. (6) Your Visits Are Getting Closer – Bloc Party

Painful Parodies V: Chris Bailey's Day Off!

After returning from outer-space, I felt it was time for a well earned day off. I woke up around half ten and went downstairs to find Scarlett Johannson cooking me a full English, without tomatoes of course. This pleased me, as did the text from Eva Mendes claiming she was unhappy with that smooth bastard Ryan Gosling. I filled Scarlett in about how I purged the universe of that awful alien and we sat down to eat. Scarlett tells me that the ranch is haunted, we ponder for a second over who were gonna call.

I put on some pants and decide to go for a walk with Scarlett. We walk by the sea and see the Statue of Liberty. They've changed it since I embarked on my voyage...

This amused Scarlett and myself. Talk about the shameless plugging of a national hero. Then we headed into the city and stopped by a news stand for some bottled water. I couldn't help but noticed they have put me on the cover of Men's Health AGAIN...

Dammit! They didn't get my best side! This day is going terribly. Scarlett tries to make my feel better by telling me that I'm better looking than Ryan Reynolds. I already knew this and it has nothing to do with the reason why I cast him out of America. Two words: Green Lantern. 

Speaking of movies, we stroll past the multiplex and they're still showing my first featuring film, The Wolverbailey...

Scarlett tells me I need a haircut, I tell her that she needs to make more movies like Lost in Translation and less like Lucy. She isn't impressed. Suddenly I get a phone call from an unknown number, it's Justin Beibler or what ever the fuck his name is. He tells me that he wasn't happy with my interview in which I described him as being as useful, as a sperm-less testicle. He has the nerve to challenge me to a fight, but pleads with me not to hit him in the face, fat chance. 

I meet him in the local boxing gym and we enter the ring. He's so scrawny, like a small child and his voice grates. This is a picture of me punching beiebebler in the face... 

  

It's safe to say, I wiped the smile of that awful face. He cried and cried, especially when Selena Gomez wanted to come back to my place. I would of said no, but before I had the chance, Scarlett went all Black Widow on her ass.

We returned to the ranch where Bill Murray and Dan Akroyd were waiting for us.

"What are you guys doing here?"

"Scarlett called us."

"But I ain't afraid of no ghost."

Writers Edge Wednesdays! (No.2) The Cigarette.

Happy Wednesday people. I hope you enjoy this extremely short story.

The Cigarette

David had managed to maintain a calm exterior, for the entire thirty four years he had spent on planet Earth. Despite a stressful life, he always had a sunny disposition. 

When he was bullied as a child, he laughed off their attempts, cursing them for having inferior intellect and of course this lead to more bullying for the lad.

As a teenager, his abusive parents were ignored as he convinced himself that he didn't need them. David knew he could progress on his own and that his life givers were only holding him back.

Even as a fully grown adult, David remained calm. As his girlfriend Tanya broke down and confessed that she had been unfaithful, his anger levels refused to alter.

A series of deep breaths and David felt as calm as could be. Pulling that first cigarette out of a fresh packet had never signalled such a momentous occasion to him before now.

Taking several drags, he let out a sly grin and flicked the cigarette onto Tanya’s petrol covered skin. As she screamed in agony, the skin melted from the bone and yet, David remained calm. 

The Return: Story-time 10! Mega-Bumper Edition!

Yes, I have been neglecting my little blog and I'm sorry if you're one of the people that read it on a regular basis. I've have been quite busy though, but things should be moving back to normal now.

So anyway to make it up to you, here is a mega-bumper edition of Story-time with TEN drabbles for you to enjoy. Thanks go to the guests and my bananas...

Foolish Notions by C.S. Bailey

Throughout my life, I have been drawn towards mistakes. I’m a slave to their sense of mystery and excitement. They’re a constant rebellion against normal life.

For example, I left my wife for a younger woman, I quit my job to become a full time rabbit enthusiast and I’ve entered a bacon eating competition. I even crashed my car to see what it felt like and that was all yesterday.

Yet as I plummet towards the ground, spinning out of control and pounded by the savage G-Force.

I can’t help but feel it was foolish passing up on the parachute.

The Space In-between by Michael Brookes

There is a secret hidden deep inside the heart of the universe. A terrible reality which once challenged the power of the divine. In a war spanning our universe and beyond the elder beings almost destroyed everything that was and what might yet come to be.

Those who survived imprisoned the horror inside a maze of nothingness. Only the complex space in between could contain their impossible forms. Their presence creates quantum chaos to what was once mathematical precision.

No faith alone can unlock their prison, but science has the key.


The elder ones await our discoveries with keen hunger.

Miss September by C.S. Bailey

You know, I was really happy for so long. After meeting Mai, my life started to make sense. My fragile heart swelled with the emotions of happiness. I even began to smile, to enjoy life and embrace it within my grasp. Living in Tokyo was a life-like dream.

Sadly though, it was not to last.

Much to my chagrin, Mai claimed I was self-absorbed, needy, possessive and an overall mess. Mai soon lost interest.

It’s a shame, because these harsh words caused her to also lose two arms, two legs and a head.

She makes a pretty mantel piece though.

My Humble Kingdom by Nav Logan

I sit upon my throne and survey all before me, little though it is. Sadly, it’s the twenty-first century and good servants are hard to come by. My castle isn’t much, but at least the view is spectacular. My trusty steed is indeed trusty, though the roses are sadly lacking in manure.

My apparel has also seen some adjustments to fit in with the times, and would be completely useless at suffering the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. Still, at least the peasants aren’t revolting.

Many things have changed in the kingdom, but in Ireland, all men are kings.

Trapped in a Vicious Cycle by Ken Magee

I need to get home and I need to get home as quickly as I can. I really don’t know where I am and I’m frightened.

I race helter-skelter down the hill. I pray I’ll find somewhere familiar soon. I spot the river. I’ve definitely seen it before. I follow its course. I round a bend and suddenly I see the sea. I’m nearly home; safe.

I fall into the cold embrace of my mother. She hardly notices that I’m back.

Then the sun comes out. Please, no. I’m evaporating. I rise towards the sky.


Bugger, here we go again.

Emperor Penguins by Nav Logan

They congregate together in the strangest of places.

I have recently seen them huddled together for warmth by the airport. Today, I could hardly get onto the platform because of them.

I wonder whether they have been abducted by aliens and lobotomised. They shamble around like middle-classed zombies in Barbour jackets, lost in their own little world.

David Attenborough could have had a field day studying their habitats and breeding patterns, to say nothing of their DNA.

All I know is that it’d be a lot easier to catch the 8:30 to Bristol if the platform wasn’t encumbered with Train-spotters.

Fido's Bits by Bryan Thomas

"Mum?"
"Yes, Michael?"
"Why did you take Fido to the vet last week?"
"He had to have his nails cut."
"But Dad said the vet took his knackers off."
"Great."
"What?"
"Nothing, Michael."
"Dad also said Fido is a eunuch now. Eunuch sounds like an elf or a pixie, I think I'd like to be a eunuch."
"Michael, you do not want to be a eunuch, okay?"
"But could I be?"
"No."
"Are you sure, Mum?"
"You could, but you'd have to have some of your bits off."
"My bits?"
"Your 'boy' bits."
"Umm... would that be painful?"
"Ask Fido."

CYBERSPACE KNOWLEDGE by Rick Haynes

‘I am the book. What do you seek?’
‘I seek truth, but how can you prove your existence and truthfulness.’
‘I know about your cravings. The need to know your fate.’
‘Very good, but where did I come from?’
‘Your parents, but you require more than that answer. Man arrived on Earth as spores from Mars. Evolution was inevitable. However when you depart this world you will not die Redmond. You will join the new world of pure souls.’
‘I knew it! I believe! It’s my destiny!’
The Book sighed.
I do so love tracking cookies.

They tell me everything.

The Wine Class by Bryan Thomas

"And now, my favourite grape variety - Cabernet Sauvignon," said Nigel.
"To me, this grape is the Russell Crowe of the wine world: It has huge presence. It's unpredictable. And it will slap you right in the chops without warning. So, Algenon, let's have your opinion on this Chilean red."
"I'm getting..."
"Yes?"
"I'm getting a head-on collision of blackberries and burnt seagull droppings. I'm getting pan-fried crotchless panties with a hint of badger snot. I'm getting brake fluid, Scottish peat, pungent armpit, and a low note of kippers in tarmacadam sauce."
"Everything but the kitchen sink, eh?" said Nigel.

Lust by C.S Bailey

Under the pale moonlight, she lies still in my arms. My hand reaches forth and caresses her skin, soft to the touch and cold as the winter’s night. I look upon her hoping for a sign of movement but alas, she has gone.

Droplets of warmth hit my arm and as I gaze down, I am mesmerized by blood trickling from her neck. My heart begins to pace, my lips become dry and I am once more a slave to my deepest urges. 

As my molars dig into her flesh, I can’t help but feel my lust for this angel has gone too far.

The Writer, Day Five: Completion!

Who needs seven days eh? Obviously not me :p Yesterday was a momentous occasion for myself at least. I completed the first draft of The Talon Strand: Maybe, Misery Two! *And the crowd goes wild* Then, I put my last part to the collaboration I've been working on with Nav, A.k. Michaels and Rick Haynes.

Which was kind of a downer, purely because it's been so much fun working with them all. They're all fantastic. Now we've been discussing editing and covers and stuff, but soon I won't wake up to those countless emails I've grown accustomed to.

It feels good know that the Talon strand is done. Don't get me wrong, in my opinion, it's still awful and needs a lot of bloody work; but it's still better than the first draft of Maybe, misery... Now that was a disaster.

So what now? Well, for me... This blog will go back to normal, as of next week. I'll be sorting out all the work-like stuff for Happy Halloween with the others guys. I'll also be working on fattening up the Talon strand (It's already bigger than Maybe, Misery) and then there's NOVA... The short story I plan to release as well. There's also the shorts and drabble book I wouldn't mind releasing and there's talk of another collaboration with another author.

So I'll bid you all farewell... I'm going to enjoy these last remaining days of my holiday without the pressure of having to write. Have a great weekend everybody!

C.S

The Writer, Day Four: The End is Nigh!

First off let me apologise for yesterday, it would appear I miss-led you all. Not on purpose mind! After I posted, I realised I actually only had five and a half chapters left, not seven and a half as I informed you.

Obviously this was a good thing, so I got my breakfast and off I went. I did indeed flow out! Because after I had finished, I had two chapters remaining! Two!

I've got to admit, I've loved this week! No 4 am alarm, no trivial job... it's been fantastic! So yesterday, after my writing I went to play tennis again, except this time, I progressed backwards once more. A 6-0, 6-1, 6-3, 6-0 defeat. Shocking I know. Afterwards we went for some chicken and rice and I returned home. I also completed my last part for the Halloween story! It's really quite sad that it's almost over. It has been a privilege to work with Ava, Nav and Rick but most of all, it's been tremendous fun. So, hopefully by Halloween we will be sharing it with you all :)

After that, I was still in a productive mood, so I switched on my iTunes and BAM! Two new drabbles and I wrote another chapter! Which of course means, that after my breakfast today... I have ONE chapter left!

Obviously I will go into more detail about the book soon. Despite being set in the same world as the first, I honestly believe it's a lot different. Where, deep down behind all the sex, murder and betrayal; the first one was a love story, the second one is more of an adventure about a boy, determined to find his father.

Anyway, that's all for now. I'm going to officially finish writing my second book.

C.S

The Writer, Day Three: Eye-Sore

Good morning all,

So it's day three of being a writer. Yesterday was still quite productive, though I only managed two and a half chapters. It wasn't a lack of enthusiasm, or writers block though, it was the fact that I started to feel bloody sleepy from staring at the screen and this was at four in the afternoon!

I have like five days to complete seven and a half chapters which is still pretty decent and I know that once I near the end, it will flow out.

Me and the Nan ended up having pizza and chips for tea, so it's safe to say my diet has gone out of the window, though hopefully I'll get some cardio done in the form of tennis today. We had a few games of cards, which she is in the lead at the moment. I do not like this.

To be fair, I haven't got that much to say today. I don't think there will be a writers edge, so my apologies for that.

I hope you all have a wonderful day.

C.S

Story-time with the Three Bananas + Guests (No.9)

Yes, despite being busy writing, I have still managed to scramble this post together :) Thank you to Nav and Bryan as always for being good sports. I'm trying to get an interview for Nav done, I'll sort it soon... probably next week when I have more time. A special thank you goes out to this weeks guest ken Magee. So read on and enjoy, much love.

The Collision of Fate by www.facebook.com/csbailey

My love for her was too strong, overwhelming and constantly playing on my mind.
Yet fate would have us apart, with our paths never crossing. I tried to cope but without her, but always I felt like a shadow of the man I could be.
Letting my determination lead the way, positive thoughts flew between brainwaves and I honestly believed that one day she would be mine.
Finally, we crashed into each other at such a velocity, that neither of us could deny it was meant to be. This was fate.

The doctors don’t think she’s going to pull through.

Dread News by www.navlogan.com

When I saw the Tower with the Moon behind it, my heart missed a beat. I glanced over at you, sitting there expectantly, but refrained from comment. The Devil joined us, and my earlier sense of foreboding was confirmed.

 You had come here looking for answers as if I was some sort of magician, but I’m only a lost and troubled soul, just like you. Some say that I have the gift, but I know the truth. It’s more a curse than a blessing.

I pray for Temperance and a ray of sunshine, but instead, the final card is Death.

The Young Buck (Anglo-Saxon times) by Bryan Thomas

"Fair Maiden, whilst thou take my hand and walk with me?" said Kenric.

I smell a randy young buck, thought Editha.

"You are slender of hip and elegant of stride, you bring splendour to my day."

"Thank you kindly, sir, but I believe your intentions may not be entirely honourable."

"Such wisdom. I admit my trouser snake dost requireth some sport."

"What misdeeds dost thou have in mind for thy venomous viper?"

"The grass is tall, the sun is high and I desire to pop-eth thy cherry."

"That ship hath sailed, barely three full moons ago."

"Damn!" said Kenric, skulking off.

Newspaper Headlines by Ken Magee

The first headline to catch my eye stated ‘UK is Slipping Down Global League Tables in Reading and Geography’. Apparently we’re languishing twenty places behind Estonia. It appears that few of our children would understand ‘languishing’ nor could they pinpoint Estonia on a map.

The next headline read ‘Overuse of Antibiotics is a Ticking Time Bomb’. Bacteria are cleverly adapting and becoming resistant to the drugs. The growing resistance poses a bigger danger to the nation than terrorism.

 Depressed, I stopped reading, it seems our kids are getting dumber, bacteria are getting smarter... this is not going to end well.

The Writer, Day Two: Enthusiasm

Good morning all, it is indeed the second day of writing and my enthusiasm is at an all time high; mainly because yesterday went so well.

I woke up, had some breakfast and got to work. Though to tell the truth, I only did half a day. I managed to write three and a half chapters, meaning that I only have eight chapters left to write and six days to do it. Which is pretty awesome!

I also managed to do some promotion for the now free Maybe, Misery. It was downloaded seventy times off Amazon alone yesterday, which will go a long way to getting my desired forty three reviews; however I've started to crave a top one hundred spot, maybe I'm just competitive. I just don't know.

At about five, my eyes grew tired of looking at a laptop screen so I went for a game of tennis and I played fairly blood good! I still got beat but it was 6-3 6-4 6-0, which if you compare it to last time's 6-0, 6-1, 6-0, it's a big improvement :p But just like using Twitter, I'm still rubbish and have a ways to go. Then I sat down and watched the England game, which surprisingly they won. I then returned home, stuck some Frasier on and went to sleep.

So anyway, it's time to get some writing done. I will be posting your story time today, just later on. Until then, enjoy your day.

C.S    

The Writer, Day One: Optimism

So we're finally here. My holiday... from work. Though if you ask my nan, she seems to be under the impression that writing is a fun task, along the lines of a spa day. As I explained to her "Writing is fucking hard." Which it is. It's harder than my job, which involves lifting heavy things. It's a piece of cake that has no effect on my brain at all. A well built monkey with the ability to operate a palm pilot and align corresponding numbers could maybe do my job. He'd have to speak fluent English and work a computer as well.

Fortunately I am optimistic. I started writing the Talon Strand bloody ages ago, before I released the first book. 1. This means that I don't have as much to do, but 2. It also means that a lot of it isn't up to scratch. Again though, optimism prevails. This is not a week to finish my book and get it ready for release; this is a week to finish the first draft, which is ultimately possible.

I have more than a year to fatten it up, ensuring that it's better than the first and if the first draft is finished, I can spend a bit more time on Nova.

Taking to Sally(i) on Saturday night, I said that though I may leave it open, there will not be a third. Sally (i) said there should be. And the delightful woman does have a knack for talking sense. I guess, I'm not sure how I feel about a third one. I wouldn't write it unless I felt it was necessary and that it would once again be better than the first and second. Plus the dates piss me off... They have been the most annoying part of the whole process! Bright idea Chris, adding dates and then placing them out of order. 'Does my stupidity know no bounds?' You ask. Apparently not.

Saying that, I may not even get to release the second. Like I said, I will not release it if it's not as good as the first. I have three proof readers. Catherine, Eilis and Sally (i). When I send out the first copy for them to proof read, it will come with the question: Do it have the potential to surpass the first?

If one of them says no, then it will not come out. Progression does not move backwards. It may seem a bit drastic but I refuse to release another book for the sake of it. Especially considering recent thoughts of being a writer. For someone as flawed as myself, I still manage to get annoyed that Maybe, Misery is averaging at four and a half stars. I know it's not terrible and I know Maybe, Misery isn't perfect but I'm allowed to be unreasonably demanding of it.

Anyway, back to the optimism... I have seven days to write eleven chapters, which will complete the first draft. Which is definitely doable! I am determined.

I do have loads of stuff to tell you guys and loads of stuff planned but now isn't the time. So my apologies for this week, I will try and get all the usual posts up, but if I don't... well don't hold it against me.

And to sort of reward you for reading all that, here's a snippet...

I make myself a cup of green tea and sit down to study. As soon as I turn to the page I want my phone rings, it’s Lance. I ignore it. To be fair I did tell him that I would be studying all day so hopefully he’ll get the message; he doesn't and my phone keeps ringing again and again constantly until I give in.

“I told you I'm studying today, this had best be important.”

“Would I ring you if it wasn't?”

Yes, yes he would; he does it every bloody day.

“What is the matter then?”

“You. Me. The pub.”

I'm struggling to see the importance.

“How about no, I told you I would be studying!”

“Come on man, Nicole is coming and she’s bringing a friend, you don’t want her to be all alone do you?”

“What kind of a friend?”

“A cute one apparently, your favourite kind.”

I can sense him smiling over the phone; Lance knows he’s winning me over.

“You’re a bad influence you know.”

“I know but you love me, so come out for a few with myself and Nicole and meet this lovely lady. You won’t regret it, I promise.”

Damn it.

“Fine but I'm only having a few.”

“Good lad, I’ll see you at eight at the Surf Tavern; dress nice.”

I say my goodbyes and admit my defeat. I can’t leave that lovely young woman stranded as a third wheel whilst Lance continues his ongoing pursuit to have his wicked way with Nicole. He’s been trying all year round to get the poor woman into bed; luckily for her, she witnesses all his conquests and knows exactly what he’s like.

Bailey & Friends: A.K. Michaels

Today, I’m joined by the ever awesome A.K Michaels. Author of Sabrina’s Vampire series, The Witch, The Wolf and the Vampire series and many others. Meeting Ava on the KUF, she has been continuously kind, helpful and a joy to talk to. We are current working on our second collaboration together.

1. So Ava, what has drawn you to Vampires? 

Power and sex! My Vamps are all powerful beings who are not affected by daylight and are Hot! My stories are not for youngsters, I write for adults and have some very hot and steamy scenes and some battle scenes. No sparkly Vamps in my books lol.  But they are all Alphas with sex appeal and pretty darn good fighters, so there’s action as well as some suspense and love.

2. Though you made a public statement about NOT being an actual Vampire yourself, rumor has it that you went on and threatened to bite someone, care to comment? 

Ha ha! Hmmmm maybe not! Comment that is! I may incriminate myself and that would never do! I would possibly have to get one of my Vamps to come to my rescue and I’m pretty sure you wouldn't like that!

3. What made you decide to become a writer?

This is something that I’m not ashamed to tell folks. I have severe OCD/Anxiety issues and I would tell my therapist bout all these words and stories running through my head. She said I should try and write them out but I was very reluctant. However, she encouraged me again and again so I thought ‘Why not? It’s not as if anyone is going to see them.’ So I bought an old second hand laptop and sat down to type – and haven’t stopped since!

4. Do you have any advice for any writers wanting to give self-publishing a try? 

Go for it. Honestly, just sit down and write/type, check out the wonderful pages on FB for things like Beta readers and then get a good editor. I know it’s an expense most worry about but, trust me, a good editor is worth the money. I, like many other indies, made the mistake of trying to publish without one but when got some reviews slating punctuation etc I soon realized my mistake and got one pronto. In fact I now have two, one in UK and one in US.

5. Some people enjoy biting their partners in sessions of passion. Why do you think that is?

Oh I think that’s a throwback to when humans were much more primal and the evidence of bites indicated someone was ‘taken’. Kinda like a wedding ring nowadays.  Or, it may just be lust taking over, heck, I don’t know lol.

6. You’ve obviously become quite successful and it’s well earned. What made you go from simply writing a book, to giving it your all?

That’s kinda hard, I’ve never really done anything by halves (OCD comes into play here lol), so when I decided to type out the stories in my head I tried to make them the best they could be. Although at that time I had no intention of publishing. It took a lot of prodding from my daughter and sister to even think about doing something with what I had written. Once I decided though, I then started to work my little socks off to make a go of things and I’ve now got lovely folks who come and chat to me on FB and tell me what they liked (or not) about my stories. I’ve also got a group of girls who help me, an online team, and they do so much to help get the word out about my stories. They work so hard and I am extremely grateful to each and every one of them, especially Charmaine and Carolyn, and also Becca and Angel who now do my covers for my books. They are so talented and make an idea of mine into a work of art. I’m not sure how things have progressed as they have, all I know is I am having a ball and love that folks like the stories my weird brain comes up with.

7. What did you want to be when you grew up?

Oh this is easy! I wanted to be a Police Dog Handler. However, I'm only just over 5ft and at that time there was still the height restriction for joining the force.  So I couldn't do it, but, until recently, we've always had dogs, mostly German Shepherds, and they were trained very well by moi! The last dog we had we rescued in Cyprus when we stayed there and brought back to UK with us when we decided to return to Scotland. Most of her commands were in Greek lol and all were taught to only bark on command.

8. If you and your husband were having a nice romantic meal, what song would be playing in the backdrop?

Oh shoot, this is a question for him, he’s great with music and I’m rubbish!  I do love I don’t Wanna Miss a Thing by Aerosmith. If I had to pick a song that was ‘our’ song it would be Simply The Best by Tina Turner

9. If you decided to host a dinner party; but you only had three seats left, which three authors would you invite to join?

Really, I can have anyone I want? I assume these can cover both alive and not so alive!  Oh gosh, let me see. As Enid Blyton was the one that introduced me to words and stories then that would be one. Next would be author of one of my favourite TV series – Game of Thrones – George R R Martin. Now, who to pick for the third? Heck, I've read his stories for soooooooo long it would have to be Stephen King. Or, wait, nope – Robert B Parker! Jeez I LOVE his Spenser series and if he could bring Hawk along with him I would be very, very happy! (Edit: Interviewer expected to be included :p)

10. How do you feel about books like Twilight turning Vampires into a limp affair of teenage angst?

This is difficult to answer because they were targeted for teenagers and so I don’t compare them to anything I write. I like tough, strong men, not ‘pretty boys’ and my Vamps could definitely not be compared to sparklies lol. Saying that, if I had even a tiny portion of that success I would be ecstatic lol.

11. You’re moving slightly away from Vampires in your latest book; care to tell us a bit about it?

Am I? Still lots of Vamps, Wolves and Witches BUT I am introducing a new being – a Dragon – and she’s a kick-ass female who’ll give any of the Vamps a run for their money. In this one we have Ronan, who we've met briefly in Witch, Wolf, Vamp and Sabrina #3, and he is Director of the Supernatural Enforcement Bureau (SEB) and he’s on a mission to locate and keep safe a Dragon that very well might be the last of their kind. As he has always thought they were a myth it’s more than a little surprising for him to find out they are real and his Sire, Josef, orders him to find and help the Dragon and Ronan does not like taking orders, from anyone.

12. You’re on a desert island, the air is cold and the night is long. You have a copy of The Great 
Gatsby and a copy of Maybe, Misery. Which one do you burn and which one do you read?

Oh gosh! Well, I have to admit I’ve never read The Great Gatsby and I have read Maybe, Misery so, I’m sorry, but I’d have to keep Gatsby! (Edit: Interviewer expresses shock and sadness.)

13. After speaking to you many times, it’s quite obvious you’re a wonderful woman. How far do you believe that being an author changes your attitude towards others? 

Firstly, shush, don’t tell folks that lol. Secondly, I don’t think I've changed any. My gran brought me up for first ten years of my life and she told me every day ‘It’s nice to be nice’ and even though I have grumpy days like everyone else, I try to live by those words. She was an amazing human being, strong, kind and thoughtful of others and I miss her every single day.

14. Your book is being made into a movie, who do you imagine would play the main character? And would you have a cameo?

Oh heck! I’ve thought on this for Witch, Wolf, Vamp and Josef would be Ian Somerhalder, Gabe would be Theo James, probably,  and I’d have to have drastic plastic surgery and a time machine so I could play Peri!!!!!

15. And last but not least. If we all had one day left on Earth, what ONE crazy thing would you do?

Sorry, didn't you see part bout me being crazy with OCD lol? Most days I do crazy stuff, well it’s not crazy to me though. Okay what would I do? Okay, gotta make this a clean one. Crazy for me would be hugging strangers! I don’t do the whole invading my space thing but if it was my last day I may just go around hugging everyone I came into contact with and getting hold of Ian Somerhalder’s phone number and leaving him a message telling him how HOT he is!

Here's a blurb from Supernatural Enforcement Bureau, The Dragon and The Vampire: Book 1

As Director of the Supernatural Enforcement Bureau, powerful Vampire Ronan, thought he had seen it all...until he discovers that Dragons actually exist. Can he help the Dragon being hunted on his patch? He certainly has the means at his disposal...if they can find it first...before the dark magic-wielding Witches and their Vampire cohorts.

After seeing the magnificent beast with his own eyes he can't turn from the task, even if he wanted to. Especially as his Sire, Josef, gives him a direct command to find the Dragon and keep it safe. No matter the cost.

With rogue Vampires and Witches on its trail, it's only a matter of time before they capture it. That's not something Ronan will allow...not on his watch! He will do whatever it takes to find and save the Dragon, using every powerful being at his disposal, including the dark and dangerous Creed.

You can get Ava's book here:

Amazon.com
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00MQQMWXO
http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B00MQQMWXO?https://www.amazon.com.au/dp/B00MQQMWXO
http://www.amazon.ca/gp/product/B00MQQMWXO?

The Weekly Round-Down. (No.6)

This year is bloody flying by. This week, I lost all enthusiasm for writing, won a curry off my Nan and got battered at tennis.

It's true, I did. It's come to the point were I realised that I'm not technically a writer. I released my book to share with others and yet I seem to have been thrust in to the writing world. Don't get me wrong, I have no complaints at all. It's just... Well I don't really know. It's like having sex on camera and finding yourself deep in the pornography industry. But it's got to the point now where I'm like, Do I give being a writer a proper shot? Or do just call it a day and enjoy the connections I have made. It's probably just me being crazy. Either way, I am off work next week. If you remember, I have booked it off solely to write the second Maybe, Misery. I think I've just had a lack of inspiration lately leading me to these annoying thoughts. Swiftly moving on...

I did indeed win a curry through playing cards. I'm now going to try and play her for a kitten. (Note: Nan refused to play for a kitten, so we're playing for a subway again.) And yes I got battered at tennis, I always do. I'm just shit at it but it's good cardio.

What else, I conquered outer-space and had my own video game commissioned...

I got extremely pissed off with Facebook denting my reach, so I posted about it and I then got a notification alerting me that my post about my reach being dented was performing 95% better than any other post! There's irony there somewhere.

I finished watching S.H.I.E.L.D, it was okay and did get better towards the end. And I've watched a few more episodes of Vikings which is another slow starter.

In this coming week, there will be a interview with A.K Michaels and I'll be documenting my week of being a writer plus all the usual stuff.

Here's this weeks Top 15, have a good weekend everybody, I'll have a drink for you all this evening...

Painful Parodies IV: Chris Bailey Conquers Outer Space!

Like George Lucas, I had too much of a good thing. Loved by billions, rich beyond my wildest dreams, proud owner of a ranch and yet I still had this burning desire.

Obviously I went to the doctor first and he gave me the all clear. What could it be? I am a leader of men, the whole world has progressed ten-fold thanks to my trip back in time. Everybody's taxes are in order and Lance Talon is a global hero. Though the phrase 'for Talons sake' is now classed as blasphemy.

So I'm sat on Talon ranch, watching Scarlett Johansson pour me a nice cold protein shake and I look up to the skies. All of a sudden in a fit of clarity, I understand... I must conquer the stars!

Luckily, I re-opened Nasa's space travel program and told them to build me a suit. It's not exactly my colour but it will do...

Off I went in the rocket smartly titled Bailey1. Some bloke called Tony Stark designed the jet propulsion systems so passed through my galaxy in a matter of hours, much to my obvious glee. 

As I reached some place they didn't teach me about in school, I could only assume it was another galaxy. As soon as I arrive, I proclaimed it to be called The Snickers... But I soon changed my mind and called it The Bailey Nebula instead. It sounds much cooler. 

I touched down and the closest planet and exited my rocket wearing my COMPLETELY ORIGINAL space suit. There appeared to be a light in the distance so I made my way there. 'Alien Sex Fiend' by Garbage played over my built in ipod (cheers NASA, fuck you Jeeves) as I approached what seemed now to be a small silver structure. 

All of a sudden a creature comes sliding out of the structure. Urgh! It's so repulsive! I only just managed to stop myself from throwing up. Here is a picture of the alien...

"Hello stranger. I am Greeto Have you come far?"

"My name is President Bailey and I have come to conquer your domain."

"What does domain mean? Allow me to welcome you by singing our welcoming song."

"Arrrggghhh!" What a shockingly awful voice. I can't stand it! I raise my arm and incinerate her swiftly with my laser.

I stand over her ash pile "Chris Bailey always shoots first."

I kick the ash pile into the sky and make my way towards their village. Inside the structure, it's full of much more attractive female aliens cowering behind some kind of orbs. "I am Chris Bailey and I have come to dominate you all!"

A female rises up from beyond her yellow orb and speaks "Like 50 Shades?"

For fucks sake.

Writers Edge Wednesdays! (No.1) The Coffee Cup.

No more poetry *does a small dance*, well for now at least. Each week, I will take a random object and form a story around it. It sounds lengthy, watch... I'll soon be missing poetry attempts by next week.

The sun gazes through the dented and dusty blind, almost illuminating the porcelain mug. It's a sign to John, he needs more coffee. John is a teacher of Science, a pioneer of physics amongst his class of 6-7 year old's. He heads down the long narrow halls, head hung and feet dragging at a snails pace. His mind wonders from the thoughts of emptiness to the thoughts of nothingness, yet he can't decipher the difference of the two.

His wrinkled hands push against the pane of glass, confined within the door leading into the teachers lounge. As he enters, there are three, maybe four teachers sitting around chatting. John fails to pay them any attention. They look on at him; John is convinced they are judging, but he can't really be sure. In fact, poor old John isn't sure of anything any more, lost with the motions of planet Earth, his existence is rarely noticed any more.

He leans against the cabinet sticking his hand in the water that has previously leaked from the now boiling kettle. John stares on at the bubbling water backlit by the blue light, Why is it blue he wonders? Why not green? Is this what my life has become? Stagnant thoughts covered by a lack of zest, never to be fulfilled again.

John pours the steaming water into his mug, splashing even more water at the side. As the coffee grains mix and swirl, he's looks on into the black ocean of caffeine soon to be consumed. But John is already consumed, by guilt, by loss for what he has done.

As he looks at his coffee cup and sees the words 'worlds best dad', he is overcome with the reoccurring sadness, punished by his one catastrophic mistake. John will never drink and drive again.

Story-time with the Three Bananas + Guests (No.8)

Who doesn't love Tuesdays! A fresh cup of tea, silenced small children and short stories from the Three Bananas and our friend, the immeasurable Rick Haynes. Yes, life is good, so sit back and enjoy...
Next week, we'll be joined by Ken Magee. Also, in case you forgot, there will be no poetry tomorrow. Wednesday will be a day were I attempt to create a story around an inanimate object. Guess what's coming Thursday... Yes that's right, your President, Chris Bailey will regale you with the tales of outer space.

Falling by www.facebook.com/csbailey

As I gaze into your eyes, ever the more distant, I am reminded of the past. 

That day we met, that moment I realised that I loved you and that moment I wanted to make you my wife.

I honestly believed we were meant to be together and I was never one to believe in fate. 

Even as I stood by and watched you reduce the best of me to an eternal nothingness, I still believed.

Peering over the rooftop this fateful day, your fresh corpse splatters and smashes against the concrete floor and I am no longer a believer. 

Batteries Not Included by www.navlogan.com

Batteries not included - a phrase that makes my blood boil! 

Always a keen inventor, I rummaged around in my spare parts box for a solution.

I considered solar panels but they wouldn’t be practical. I could hardly leave it outside in the sun. What would the neighbours say?

Finally, I hot-wired it to the cigarette lighter in my car. The device worked so well, I decided to give it a quick road test. That’s when the accident happened. 

My appliance was humming away merrily when I crashed into the back of a parked patrol car. Don’t orgasm and drive!

Young Love... and Stuff by Bryan Thomas

Mavis, 76, was reading in the appointment room.

Two teenagers sat behind her.

"Oh my god! I was totally in Jason's bedroom last night," said Aleesha.

"Shut up! I'm so jealous," said Kaylee.

"Yeah, I was pulling his shirt off and he was getting my top off."

"Noooo!"

"Yeah, and he said, 'I totally want to have sex with you and stuff'. And I said, 'I totally want you to have sex with me and stuff'."

"Noooo! Did you... do it and stuff?"

"Nah."

Mavis put her book down, she was totally glad that she wasn't a teenager and stuff.

RIGHT JOKE – WRONG TIME by Rick Haynes

‘Heard the one about the taxi driver undoing the bra of his lady passenger. He was charged with exceeding the limits in a built up area.’

A ripple of laughter echoed around the auditorium.

‘At my last show a ‘streaker’ rushed the stage but she was thrown out by the bouncers.’

The laughter grew.

‘Doctor Dave had slept with a patient. The guilt was overwhelming. A little evil voice told him not to worry but his reality voice told him, Dave you’re a vet.’

There was total silence in the room.

He had forgotten that this was the Veterinary Convention.

Get your teeth into this 'ménage a trois.'

The Best of Bailey and Friends: The 100th Post!

Who would of thought, 100 posts. Starting out as a fresh faced whipper snapper... I'm just messing. I can't believe it's come around so fast, especially for some one who has so little to say. I'd like to say thank you to every single person who has taken the time to read this little blog since it's beginning. Plus all the people who have contributed... Nav, Bryan, Rick, Ava, Ken and everyone else. Following me through bouts of anger to... well more anger. It's been fun. So to celebrate, here are the top 10 posts, voted by you lovelies. Enjoy.

Much love

C.S

#1: So, whilst I was writing, music was a very inspirational tool for me and I believe it always will be. I loved the idea of my book having it's own soundtrack and it helped me create the fictional world of my characters. So here it is; the extremely unofficial Maybe, misery soundtrack:

1. Maybe, misery - Quietdrive:
"Quite obvious this one to be fair, but it's a brilliant song and contains a lot of clever lyrics that pertain to how Talon feels most of the time."

2. Comes Love - Billie Holiday:
"I love Billie Holiday, as do many and this song sets up the scene perfectly. Two people, full of lust sharing a moment before an explosion of passion."

3. Burn the witch - Queens of the stone age:
"As Talon feels the burden of expectancy being lifted, this song would serve as a brilliant ego boost for him."

4. It makes no difference who we are - Celldweller:
"To be honest, this is just an awesome and powerful song yet, the idea of wishing on a black star and Talons desire for a son seem somehow connected in a minuscule way."

5. Floods - Fightstar:
"Mentioned in the book as Talons alarm tone, yet Floods is perfectly apt for describing how Talons life is about to be flooded with a family in the chapter Pain and Pregnancy."

6. Digital Sea - Thrice:
"Scouring my iTunes looking for the perfect song to fit this scene was a tough decision. As Talons interrogation by the Dreaded Lindsey takes place, I wanted a song that indicates how helpless he is."

7. Fire, fire - Flyleaf:
"Definitely one of my all-time favourite songs! As Talon and Fiona flee from disaster, this is a perfectly apt song choice. What you confuse for glories fire, is fire from the tongues of liars is one of the greatest lyrics I've ever heard."

8. Satellite - Guster:
"You're my satellite may be the best lyric to describe what Willow meant to Talon. She guided him from darkness and really was all that is good in him."

9. Banquet - Bloc Party:
"As Talon enjoys endures valentines day, this song fit in perfectly for his encounter with Harriet."

10. Entombed - Deftones:
"As Talon heads out into the unknown after being held up in Sam's lab, this song elegantly expressed Talons feelings of exploration and perhaps what mindset he is in."

11. Love song - 311:
"Bored with traditional wedding songs, I wanted a song that was heartfelt yet separate from the crowd."

12. Waking up - 10 years:
"My alarm tone for many years and a perfect song for Talons awakening."

13. Angel Falls - The killer and the Star:
"Though I earlier mentioned in the book that Willow was a fan of KoRn, it became known that she had a mostly awful taste in music with a few exceptions. I felt that if there was a transitional song that they could both enjoy, it would be this."

14. The Wreckoning - Nonpoint:
"As Talons story takes a turn for the violent, this energetic song felt perfect for his current proceedings."

15. Destabilise - Enter Shikari:
"Talons world has shattered around him, left only with anger leading the way, this song embodies how he feels, not because of the songs underlying political stance but the angst contained within."

16. Dance anthem of the 80's - Regina Spektor:
"I fucking love her voice, she's amazing. This would be one of Willows exceptions and I loved the thought of Talon enjoying her music but afraid to tell his wife, for the fear of being given stick. Especially with all the grief I imagine he gives her for her taste in music."                                    

17. Goodbye cruel world - Cold:
"Last but certainly not least, as Talons story comes to an end, this song acutely conveys a summary of his life."

I hope you enjoyed reading this... because it took ages :p

C.S.Bailey

#2: So this is a short story by myself, Nav Logan, Bryan Thomas and special guest A.K Michaels. The same principle as The Call of the Wild, but with an added member and a different theme, one I definitely wasn't familiar with. Once again though, it was such a brilliant experience and an easy working environment. I know it's not technically work, but I mean in the sense that we worked together so well. My only issue is, that it leaves me wanting to do it again but bigger. Can you imagine a full book, or a short story, fully improvised! That would be incredible, especially with talented authors. Nav, manages to some cram in such detailed writing in such a short space, I don't have a clue how he does it. Bryan is the dialogue genius and Ava brings the smooth, stylistic writing that has made her so popular. Since all the angles of great writing were covered, all I had to do was provide exposition. So everyone give these three a digital round of applause and I hope you enjoy.

Under a Blood Red Moon 

(Nav) The stark figure of Peter Mortimer stood out against the night-time sky. He was standing on the roof of the highest tower, letting the breeze ruffle his knee-length black coat. In the mire of the city below, chaos ruled. He loved to stand up here and smell the fear and desperation as it wafted up from the streets. It was a heady cocktail. It was almost as sweet as a virgin’s blood. The moon was just rising over the bay as he turned to his beautiful sister. “Look, Amelia, a blood moon. What an auspicious time to hunt.”

(C.S) Amelia’s blonde locks swayed in the cool breeze “My dear brother, it’s always time to hunt. The blackened sky and calmly tones of the night walkers only serves to heighten my thirst.” 

“So where shall we head? Downtown? Or are you in the mood for an upscale feast?” Peter already knew what his sister’s answer would be; Amelia has always had a taste for the refined specimen. 

As Peter gazed over lovingly at his sibling, she puckers her lips covered in rose red lipstick “I think tonight, we should attend the Hardy’s ball. I can smell them from here.” 

(A.K) "As can I, dear sister. Now, are you planning on dining al fresco or in more intimate surroundings?" Peter was well aware of his sister's appetite was vast in areas other than blood. He watched as a feral smile played across her lips, her tongue darting out to moisten her lips before answering.

"Oh I think I'll be dining in private tonight, Peter, away from prying eyes. You know how those aristocrats do like to gossip and I have my reputation to keep. I'm sure you'll be your usual charming self and keep them well entertained." Amelia turned, walking away swiftly.

(Bryan Thomas) Peter watched his sister until she was out of sight. He had always been protective of her, just like a big brother should be, but now Amelia was more than capable of looking after herself. He reflected on the time, almost three centuries ago, when he had taught her how to select her first victim. How the correct time and place were of the utmost importance if a stealthy escape was to be achieved. He recalled her youthful enthusiasm, and how he'd had to temper her visceral approach. 

Meanwhile, Amelia was lost in the pulsating timbre of the city streets.

(Nav) Amelia had a fondness for aristocratic blood, but Peter preferred his blood red, not blue. The arrogance of the upper classes ruined his appetite.

He understood his sister’s lusts. 

He’d long ago faced the fact that his sibling was a cold-blooded killer. She relished the look in the eyes of her victims as their world came crashing down around them, the orgasmic rush.

He preferred to sample the fruits of many vines. A night of seduction that they would never forget. A quick bite while they were in the throes of passion, and then he would be gone. Forever mourned.

(C.S) As they approached the Hardy’s residence, Peter looked on in pity. A ginormous estate, full of wonder but compared to his home, it was a shanty town. Peter strongly believed that he and his sister were the most powerful siblings in the new world, and nothing could convince him otherwise. 

Amelia, dressed in a long red gown, glanced over at her brother and admired his stylistic look, his poise and the way he held himself. Their close relationship was a hot topic of gossip for many others. Cloaked by masquerade masks, they entered the premises with the promise of a feast. 

(Bryan) Amelia's entrance was no different from any other function she had ever attended, she walked through the ornate, double doors like the world was hers for the taking. Peter sensed something as soon as they set foot in the hallway, a presence that he had not felt for many years. Amelia was oblivious to Peter's controlled manner as she embraced the atmosphere of the Grand Ballroom with all of her senses. Peter turned as a voice sent a chill down his spine. "Peter, do introduce me to your friend, if you will?" It was Jason Thorne, the world-renowned vampire killer.

(Ava) Amelia turned quickly, a demure smile on her face as her eyes raked the tall, brooding man standing next to him. "Peter, who is this handsome man? Have you been keeping him from me, dear brother?"

Peter's smile was forced as his eyes locked with Jason's, "This is Jason Thorne, Amelia, and I can assure you that, yes, I have indeed been keeping the two of you apart."

Jason stepped forward to shake Amelia's hand, but instead of the slight handshake that would be the norm, he brought it to his lips, caressing it with his lips as his eyes bored into Amelia's.

(Nav) “I’m Jason Thorne, how do you do. It’s a pleasure to meet you?”

“The pleasure’s all mine,” she purred. Her eyes raked over his muscular body.

“You must be the insatiable Amelia Mortimer. I’ve heard so much about you. I’ve been looking forward to making your acquaintance.”

Amelia had always thought she knew everybody who was anybody, so why had her brother kept this hunk from her? Curiosity tingled her nerves. “Peter! Have you been keeping this wonderful chap to yourself?” she asked playfully. She knew her brother occasionally liked to play around, though he refused to admit his bisexuality.

(C.S) Peter shrugged off his beloved sister’s comment and knew that whether he liked it or not, Amelia would be having her wicked way with Jason tonight. 

What Jason didn’t know, was that Amelia’s idea of a ‘good time’ and his interpretation were never one in the same. As the vampire hunter appeared a target, Peter turned his attentions elsewhere.   

Across the masses of upper class day breathers, stood four people Peter recognized and in a sense, longed for. They called themselves The Dangerous Brothers. Long known for escapades and adventures, Peter longed to feast upon their flesh, particularly the sister of the four.   

(Bryan) Chris slammed his hand onto the control console, as the vampire simulation evaporated before the Dangerous Brothers eyes.

"Whaddya do that for!" said Nav.

"I was enjoying that," Bryan protested. 

"But you weren't the character of Amelia, that fucking bustle was killing me!" said Chris.

"You look good in a dress," said Nav.

"Button it, bucko!" said Chris.

“Actually, you do.” said Bryan.

“The next joker that mentions anything about me in feminine attire gets a slap in the chops,” said Chris.

“Anybody fancy a pint?” said Nav.

“Too right,” said Chris, as he fired up the Blacksmith’s Arms simulation.

The End

#3: At some point in our lives, we all get bored. Bored of not having enough, bored of the same old day in- day out routines. Today, it hit me like a rhythm stick. There I was just relaxing in the tub and I realised, I had this urge for more. More wealth, more power, just more of bloody everything!

Every spring chicken has his day and mine was today. It's time I took the power back, just like rage against the machine.

Me chilling in the tub...

But how could I gain all these lustful desires? I'm just a lowly author with a part time job and a lack of patience. I know! I'll take over England! The Government are rubbish anyway. They call to cope with our collective needs, making us suffer with bedroom tax and their spineless attempts at punishment. 

Nights and days went by as I constructed my master plan. I would infiltrate the powers that be, befriend them and take over this once great nation. 

I started attending fancy parties, sipped wine like a pro and ate cucumber sandwiches. They were friendly and never suspected anything. I'm a devious bastard. 

Until of course, it was too late and their end soon came quick enough. On a private jet to Alaska (they were taking me for my birthday), I chucked them out of the plane one at a time. They screamed like babies.

Me, Nick Clegg and David Cameron, before the dark times...

I mourned their loss at first, after all becoming friends and then betraying them is messy business. I enjoyed my holiday watching polar bears but soon found I missed the crap weather of home. So I jumped back on the plane and returned home. 

I informed the queen about the demise of our 'leaders', she was hardly saddened. Instead she awarded me the title of Prime minister, I told the woman, she can move out and let me crash at her place. Reluctantly she agreed. So for now, I spend my days strutting around Buckingham palace waiting to bring back capital punishment and playing cards with Jeremy Clarkson.

A picture of me relaxing before a cabinet meeting, I think it's oak or pine today...

   

All hail Chris Bailey!

#4: I'm still looking for replacement posts... It would seem endlessly. I've considered sharing some actual poets work but that's already being done, so I'll avoid that. I guess this poetry malarkey is quick to do as I write each and every one off the top of my head. Plus next week I'll be back writing so maybe, this will do for now. So enjoy...

Arc-Light Angel

Under the Arc, I'm constricted and bound
My life as a worker, strained and covered in despair
Hoping constantly to have my heart found
Shackled in chains, broken in time, by life unfair.

I look beyond the bright lights up to a million stars
Full of hope
A dream of a life afar
And yet I struggle to cope.

One day in time, I pass by the yard and I see an angel in the distance
Fire-red hair, the brownest eyes and a blinding smile
I hear her laugh heighten as I approach, she informs the other of her name, Constance
My blood flows as I travel to meet her, what feels like a mile.

She giggles as I approach and the beat of my heart increases pace
With beauty so true, I am mesmerized, stood completely still
Utter perfection, contained within a singular member of the human race
As we stand in silence, eyes attached to one another, we are called to the mill.

I've never felt like this before, an uncontrollable madness
A love so fast, a love for this Arc-Light Angel
As we find ourselves amongst the crowd, I lose her and I'm overcome with unbearable sadness
This prisoners life confined to a story of loss, a love filled fable.

#5: You heard it here first folks. When I first released my little book into the public, I had low hopes for what it would achieve. Surprisingly though, I soon conquered Great Britain with my extremist views and ability to let my opinions fly. My book flew of the shelves and people followed my story like a religious sect. The Government crippled under my truths, and that unfortunate impact against an ice-berg over the Atlantic. RIP my little Umpa's.

I then turned my attention state side, seeking global domination almost drunk with power. Horny at the prospect of having more people join my collective empire. England, now aptly titled Chrisland, was forever changed for the better. No more flimsy punishments! No more shortening already short words! Bast, sarcy, evs and any other form of slang is now punishable by death! Plus the added bonus of no more pants at work! (For me, at least).

It took a little longer than I expected, but today, that all changed. I flew over to America on my private jet (The Bailey Bomber) and took the land of opportunity in my loving embrace. I challenged Obama to an arm wrestling competition, for the spoils of presidency. He wasn't really into the idea, but I looked at him with my big puppy blues and whispered "I thought Obama-Care(d)." He replied with a wink and decided to take me on.

Over confident, he failed to take in to consideration, that even writers go to the gym sometimes. His face as his knuckles smashed against that fancy porcelain table, will be one I remember.

Here is a picture of Obama handing over America...

The camera added 20 pounds. My second order of business is to get an extra days holiday commissioned for the sole purpose of staying home and relieving ourselves from wearing those damn awful pants. 

My first order of business, was to make myself at home in the grand old U S of A...

It's starting to feel a bit more homely now. Until next time... President Bailey.

Disclaimer: C.S. Bailey hopes that you will all take this as a harmless joke. He means no offence by this blog post and at this present moment, has no intention nor the time for global domination.

#6: It's that time again, so turn off the children and tell the television to be quiet. Grab yourself a hot beverage and enjoy. Thank you to my bananas and Mr. Rick Haynes for their contributions. Enjoy everybody :)

 Moderate to High Annoyance by C.S. Bailey www.facebook.com/csbailey

I really can’t stand you! You appeared out of nowhere to punish me for my one little mistake and you haven’t stopped since.

Unrelenting, a constant attack on the memories I thought were safely stored away.

You’re intrusive, a curse and I really have this powerful urge to end your existence without a second thought. 

Rushing through my house making a grand old mess; I’m on a mission! I desperately need to find a tool to kill you with.  

Suddenly my warm hands latch on to the weapon of your imminent destruction.

Thank god for my copy of Norton Anti-Virus.

The Beltane Beast by Nav Logan www.navlogan.com

The razor-sharp edge slices cleanly through flesh and blood drips from my blade.

Raising my knife heavenward, I fight against the primal urge to smear my cheeks with blood and howl at the moon.

A monstrous hunger consumes me. Like a wolf I hunger for the sweet juices. I attack with a frenzy, hacking up the offering and using my knife to place the still-bleeding flesh to my lips. Rich red ichor dribbles down my chin and stains my shirt.

“Don’t play with your food, Jeremy!” Mother scolds, but I can’t help it. I love a good barbecued steak.

Bad Dad by Bryan Thomas

"Daddy! You've pulled its arm off," said six-year-old Maisie.
Her father didn't reply. He pulled the remaining arm off.
Maisie glared at her father.
"Eeny, meeny, miny, mo," her father said. Then he pulled the left leg off.
"D-a-d!" said Maisie.
"Quiet, or I'll rip its head off."
Her father pulled the right leg off.
"Ha ha! Just your head and torso left my little friend," her father said, holding his victim in front of his face.
Maisie turned away.
Her father ripped the head from the torso.
Maisie grabbed the remaining Jelly Babies and ran out of the room.

THE KILL by Rick Haynes

Prey was scarce in the dry season. The solitary male lion had not eaten for some time so the kill had been vital. As he dragged the carcass into the undergrowth, his jaws dripped pure crimson. There was little meat on his dinner but a meal was a meal. He salivated with contentment.

At the lodge, the rangers were discussing the big cats. Driven by hunger, starving animals would naturally wander into human settlements, so some would have to be euthanized.
Earlier a ranger had departed, reluctantly agreeing to kill a starving male lion.

Concern grew.

He was long overdue.

That's all for this week. Next week, we'll be joined by Ken Magee. Don't forget to tune in for tomorrows attempt at poetry, it's the first one I actually like... A little bit. Enjoy your days :)

C.S

#7: So, I've renamed this series because it would appear that Bryan and Nav are pretty much regulars. Bryan emailed me loads of excellent drabbles and Nav is producing fine ones on a weekly basis. I will also try and secure some guest appearances from others. So enjoy this weeks selection and I hope you enjoy my 700 and odd word story, that was adapted from four 100 word drabbles. (Edit Note: Next week, we will have author Ken Magee joining our little team and Bryan has sent me a drabble titled Robots which is one of the best I've read, so you can look forward to that!)

Skin Deep by Nav Logan

They say that beauty is skin deep. I’ve spent my whole life being ugly. I shuffle around dreaming of becoming something more. The sun rises each day, and I do nothing but eat. I am a pathetic case of Bulimia Nervosa, wallowing in my own self-pity, and mourning my fat ugly body.

Finally, I can eat no more. Exhausted, I wrap myself up in my hammock and sleep.

Warm sunlight wakes me. Breaking free of my cocoon, I stretch languidly. Fluttering my wings, I bask in my new-found beauty. I was once an ugly green grub. Now, I’m a butterfly.

The Vulture by Bryan Thomas

Day One

He watched, and waited, and waited, and watched.
There were no carcasses in the valley.

Day Two

He flew, and soared, watched and waited.
But there were no carcasses in the valley.

Day Three

He watched, waited, flew, and soared. He imagined he was a military drone, although his big beak and feathers were a dead giveaway that he wasn't.
Not a carcass in sight.

Day Four

He flew, watched, soared, waited, shuffled, scratched, farted and pondered.
Not one carcass - zero, zilch, nada.

Day Five

There was a carcass in the valley! Unfortunately it was the vulture's.

Miss Murder by C.S. Bailey

I stand frozen besides the bed, gazing upon tonight’s lover’s face. Pale, with long curly red hair down to her shoulders.
I’m full of dread while I stand and stare. Such beauty captured by myself. Swayed easily into my bed by the putrid appeal of alcohol; If only she knew what I had stored inside, a demon yearning for release.
I can’t help myself any more, that urge! That Desire! I feel it building from within like a virus, meant to control my actions. It does not falter, nor does it tire, it just gradually builds slowly until I run red with rage.

I head to the bathroom and look in the mirror. Who is this man staring back at me? Why is he angered, so hurt and full of this unquenchable thirst. I want to be warm and kind, not battling the darkness within.
I look into his eyes, the eyes of a killer.

I get dressed in my clothes, my suit from the office… all rumpled from the rain as I made my way home drunk with the red haired angel.

My blood pumps increasingly fast warming my body as I seek my prey, I’m ready and waiting for little Miss May. I can usually cope with one a month, though the more prominent the urge, the more I have trouble waiting for so long.
I see her in the distance… Short skirt, pierced lip, scruffy hair… flirting with that troglodyte looming over there.

I wait until she’s done and a follow her quietly… she’s unaware. She heads down an alley; it’s as quiet as sin… how apt for my savagery to begin. On my tip-toes, I’m as stealthy as can be, perfect for my unsuspecting victim.
I creep up behind her, hair smelling of cinnamon and surrounded by an intoxicating fragrance of lavender. I grab her by the waist, hold her close and whisper the words “Goodnight Miss May.”

I held out for the month, just. The second to last day of May and I were already on the hunt for June. Scouring the corrupt Earth; for yet another helpless target. Constantly ready to erupt into a violent beast of the night.

I sit alone, confined in the corner of a rancid all night café. The walls stained yellow with nicotine June, the floors covered in shoe prints and the counters layered with grease. It is here, I found June.  Stumbling in drunk with her black hair and pink fringe, my eyes lit up immediately. She was out of her mind hammered and ready to collapse. I’d seen her before, but never in such a fragile and vulnerable state.

Her olive skin, blue eyes and rounded lips filled her rounded face with beauty. Something I could only crave from afar. She usually walks the streets with promise and purpose. When sober at least.
June never pays attention to the likes of me, always surrounded by her best friends, or the weekly handsome and muscular boyfriend. Forever stopping traffic as the drivers howled at her peachy behind, confined tonight in a tight silver skirt.
As I hide in the background, nervous of life I wonder whether love from a woman will ever be enough for me.

Every time I see her… my confidence grows a little, like I am absorbing her positive aura. It’s been a few months since I first spotted her divine beauty and tonight, my time has finally come.

I approach her finally, June knocks me back before my tiny words have chance to leave my trembling lips. Even in her inebriated state, I am not good enough to be in her company!
I run back to my set and attempt to hide from my shame. Fear building. Anger rising and eventually the darkness rises.

As June lies on my table, a hollowed out piece of meat…

I bet I’ve got your attention now June!

July flew by, literally. I chucked her empty corpse out of a plane.  As I found myself craving a little taste of the orient, it is time to uproot from my destructive past and move on from the gruesome memories occupying the town I once called home. I quit my job, collected my savings, achieved by my minimal life and purchased my plane ticket.

I arrive in Tokyo, seeking a fresh start. Far away from the horrors I had committed. Maybe things could be different now. I decide to sit at the airport bar and order a pint. Soon after, a small eastern woman sits next to me, I glance over and smile sincerely.

Much to my confusion she smiles back and slowly moves in closer “What’s your name? I ask.

“Mai”

If only I’d have got here earlier.

#8: My determination has always been my strongest quality, that and my secret confidence. I've always had this ability to get what I want even when it has seemed far from my reach. Being brought up by a single mother probably helped. Always struggling to do right by me, always working hard to provide for us and teaching me that if there was something I wanted, I had to get it myself.

It probably had something to do with me dropping out of college the first time. It wasn't giving me access to get what I want at the time. Do I regret it now? I don't at all. I may have a trivial job but that has lead me to have more focus elsewhere. It's worth mentioning that I did attempt to go back but that's a whole different story. I could easily apply for more taxing jobs, but as I see people take their work home with them, that is not something I'm willing to do.

Last year, I vowed that I would release my book and climb three mountains and I have done exactly that. Because I was fucking determined to.

After I finished work today, I've spent the day trying to sort out this new Halloween collaboration. Sorting out confusions and organising cameos from other authors. Unfortunately we have just found out that Bryan Thomas will no longer be joining due to personal reasons. It's a damn shame because he's a bloody good writer and a fantastic bloke.

It put me in a reflective mood sort of because despite all of my determination, things can still turn upside down. Now I know, you can't help certain things happening. But my question is, what happens when that determination runs out?

There are still typos in my book you know. And it infuriates me. I strived and tried so hard to make sure it was perfect. I read it endlessly until I hated the sight of it. And still they deceived me. I could go back and change the whole thing again but I really wanted it to be done with. I felt that I had deserved to have that perfect book out there and finished. They'll only little and hardly noticeable but they're still there... nagging at me constantly.

I've also missed two separate deliveries of my books due to being at work. And to make things worse, the cup I sent off to the winner of my 20/20 quiz is being sent back because the postal service failed to deliver it. So let me get this right... You're providing a service, that you can't provide? No doubt it will be delivered to my house when I'm at work.

However my determination still chugs away like the little coal train it is. I will get rid of those typos, I will make this collaboration work, I will get my books to the people I've promised them to and I will get that bloody cup to it's rightful owner!

So the next time you're thinking of giving up, remember that your determination has its rewards.

#9: Yes, you read it right. This is the last ever post of our little series... Well unless more people want to take part. I just want to say a huge thank you to all this weeks guests and the guest from past posts as well.

1. Do I have the permission to share your name? If not, what should we call you?
S: You can call me SpongeBob (Laughs)
T: Share my name and picture, just make sure it’s a good picture (Editor note: Stop asking for picture permission when I keep forgetting to get a picture.)
Stef: Yep

2. Age? 
SpongeBob: 27
Tom: 30
Stef: Very nearly 26

3. Occupation?
S: Shop assistant
T: Super evil villain by day and a supper awesome support worker by night
Stef: Sales Administrator

4. Have you heard any unimportant news made to seem important?
S: Don’t really watch the news or read the newspaper
T: I once heard we have a new pope
Stef: I wouldn’t know where to start… 90% is just rubbish!

5. Marvel or DC?
S: Marvel
T: DON'T MAKE ME CHOOSE!!!
Stef: Marvel!!!

6. T.V show of the week?
S: Ex on the beach
T: Fargo
Stef: I’m about three years behind but I’m catching up on Justified, best T.V show ever!

7. The last brilliant film you watched?
S: Lone survivor
T: The Wolf of Wall Street
Stef: Django Unchained

8. How do you feel about a vast amount of men and women appearing in pornography?
S: Doesn’t really bother me as i don’t watch porn
T: Everyone has to earn a living i guess. I'd do porn if i wasn't married, chubby and had a hamsters dick
Stef: It should be illegal

9. If you ruled the world, what one thing would you change first?
S: Child abuse
T: I'd chuck religion right out the freaking window. That's step one to a better world
Stef: I'd kill majority of leaders and start again, there'd definitely be no parliament!

10. What is your favourite sexual position and why?
Missionary because I’m a lazy person and doesn’t take much effort (Laughs)
T: The Wheelbarrow
Stef: How rude! Can’t comment on that :p

11. Do you believe there should be a national holiday to celebrate being naked?
S: I don’t care either way, each to their own
T: LET'S DO IT!
Stef: No! Can you imagine some of the sights!

12. If you could get away with murdering someone you despise, how would you do it?
S: Cut their limbs off one by one and then lie them in a bath of salt and then leave them there to die knowing they have no way of getting themselves out
T: I'd shoot them down a dark alley then I would pin it on somebody else i despise
Stef: Slowly

13. If you had one day left to live, what would you spend it doing?
S: I’d spend it enjoying precious time with the ones i love
T: Hiking or Holding my family tight
Stef: I’d spend it painting with my daughter

14. Who is your favorite Game of Thrones character and why?
S: The hound
T:  What’s Game of Thrones?
Stef: Like I said, I’m well behind with T.V! I’ve not watched it!

15. Do you have a special piece of underwear you wear when you know there is a chance they’ll be seen?
S: No
T: I have Superman boxers with a cape. They are freaking awesome!
Stef: No, I have OCD so it’s all plain and matching! (Laughs)

16. Song of the week?
S: John Legend – All of Me
T: House of the Rising Son by the White Buffalo and the Forrest Rangers
Stef: MJ & JT

17. Do you believe that religion is a truly awful fairytale, meant to control humanity and inspire false hope?
S: I’m not religious so yes
T: Religion is the route to all evil
Stef: Yes but not put as harshly as that

18. The last book that got you sexually stimulated? 
S: I don’t know I couldn't open it. It was sticky (Laughs)
T: Harry Potter
Stef: I just read horror so that’d be sinister

19. Quote of the week?
S: If you don’t ask you don’t get
T: I'm usually not the one to say atodaso, but you know what? Atodaso, a fuckin atodaso
Stef: Oh Balls!

20. What annoys you more than anything else?
S: Ignorance
T: Ignorance
Stef: Ignorance

21. And last but not least, what are your feelings about bestiality? 
S: It’s just wrong
T: Depends if the animal is consenting
Stef: What are my feelings?! It doesn't tickle my pickle if that’s what you mean…

#10: As I sit here typing, I sense a rise coming. My second favourite type of rise. After successfully taking over England (ChrisLand) and The USA (USCB), I feel I should be broadening my sunlit horizons. Don't get me wrong, my mass of followers, increased wealth and scantly clad glamour models do somewhat amuse. But deep deep down, there lies a festering annoyance... Religion!

How past civilisations read a book about a fictional character and chose to follow their life according to its rules. Then thrusting their opinions on us like thrusting an erect member. It's all so disgusting and soggy, like Marmite.

I released a book! Nobody follows that as a life guide! Well that's all about to change! I am going to travel back in time and replace that plot hole ridden book with a copy of Maybe, Misery 17: The return of Talons Tax Return.

 So I tell my butler Jeeves to build me a time machine. He's good at that stuff but useless if you ASK him any-fucking-thing.

Here's a picture of Jeeves' COMPLETELY ORIGINAL time machine...

So, I take a seat and scour the interior... "Where's the iPod adapter you useless sack of sperm?" Jeeves yet again has no answer.

So off I go... Back to the future of the past. I arrive at sometime or other, pre iPod and find I am in a desert. Oh what I would give for a chocolate fudge sundae. There's sand and... more sand. I fucking hate sand. 

Here's a picture of me and my nemesis...

I travel to a near by Oasis and acquire the location of this Jesus fellow. The stall owner tells me "He's over by the WONDERWALL." Then points right to him making his comment null and void.

I search on endlessly, for at least three minutes. Until I come across some bearded guy casually hanging around a cross. "Are you Jesus?"

"Why yes I am, I'm about to sacrifice myself for all of my kind."

"I wouldn't bother. They become useless and most of them wont even care."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I'm afraid so. You may as well go to that brothel over there and enjoy this gift of time."

"Cheers mate, what's your name?"

"Chris bailey..."

"You're my hero Chris."

"Here take this photo of me, so you remember what we achieved here. Life is a gift of time, given to us by chance... that is what we should follow."

"I couldn't agree more, now I'm off to get my freak on."

And just like that, he leaves... 

Here's a picture of Jesus with a picture of me....

    

I find the man writing the bible, convince him that sometimes you need to take a break from writing and send him to the brothel. I then pinch his first draft and replace it with a copy of Maybe, Misery 17 and return home to an enlightened era of man.