Painful Parodies IV: Chris Bailey Conquers Outer Space!

Like George Lucas, I had too much of a good thing. Loved by billions, rich beyond my wildest dreams, proud owner of a ranch and yet I still had this burning desire.

Obviously I went to the doctor first and he gave me the all clear. What could it be? I am a leader of men, the whole world has progressed ten-fold thanks to my trip back in time. Everybody's taxes are in order and Lance Talon is a global hero. Though the phrase 'for Talons sake' is now classed as blasphemy.

So I'm sat on Talon ranch, watching Scarlett Johansson pour me a nice cold protein shake and I look up to the skies. All of a sudden in a fit of clarity, I understand... I must conquer the stars!

Luckily, I re-opened Nasa's space travel program and told them to build me a suit. It's not exactly my colour but it will do...

Off I went in the rocket smartly titled Bailey1. Some bloke called Tony Stark designed the jet propulsion systems so passed through my galaxy in a matter of hours, much to my obvious glee. 

As I reached some place they didn't teach me about in school, I could only assume it was another galaxy. As soon as I arrive, I proclaimed it to be called The Snickers... But I soon changed my mind and called it The Bailey Nebula instead. It sounds much cooler. 

I touched down and the closest planet and exited my rocket wearing my COMPLETELY ORIGINAL space suit. There appeared to be a light in the distance so I made my way there. 'Alien Sex Fiend' by Garbage played over my built in ipod (cheers NASA, fuck you Jeeves) as I approached what seemed now to be a small silver structure. 

All of a sudden a creature comes sliding out of the structure. Urgh! It's so repulsive! I only just managed to stop myself from throwing up. Here is a picture of the alien...

"Hello stranger. I am Greeto Have you come far?"

"My name is President Bailey and I have come to conquer your domain."

"What does domain mean? Allow me to welcome you by singing our welcoming song."

"Arrrggghhh!" What a shockingly awful voice. I can't stand it! I raise my arm and incinerate her swiftly with my laser.

I stand over her ash pile "Chris Bailey always shoots first."

I kick the ash pile into the sky and make my way towards their village. Inside the structure, it's full of much more attractive female aliens cowering behind some kind of orbs. "I am Chris Bailey and I have come to dominate you all!"

A female rises up from beyond her yellow orb and speaks "Like 50 Shades?"

For fucks sake.