Painful Parodies VI: Chris Bailey Conquers E L James!

Like Return of the Jedi, I had hoped for a happy ending. Full of Ewoks, adventure and awful aliens, my life has been riveting to say the least. However, after global domination Scarlett J and I wanted the quiet life. Just to get away from it all.

We decided to go away to Switzerland and get married, it was a spectacular occasion. Here's a picture of us on the big day...

We returned home from our honeymoon and life was grand. I planned to sell the ranch and move to an island I had recently bought. I decided to check my email and found one from a certain E.L. James, claiming that she didn't like the way I described her so-called writing. The daft bugger even decided to quote what I had said... like I had forgotten.

 "Full of wooden, repetitive, frequently juvenile-sounding prose, and the profoundly un-erotic sex scenes, this book is so awful that I can barely contain my sanity.

Christian Grey is a narcissistic, controlling, possessive idiot  with his messy hair, grey eyes (how original) and you should feel ashamed to have created him."

I was quite proud when writing this and now out-sold by Maybe, Misery 17, I could understand her anger towards me. After all, egotists love a good scene.

So anyway it's late at night and I hear a knocking at the door. I grab my lightsaber (thanks NASA) and head downstairs. I open the door and there stands the beast herself...

"Argh! You scared me! What do you want?"

"I hate you Chris Bailey! Prefer to feel the full thingy of my wraith!"

"You're not going to make me read one of your books are you?"

"Raaaawwwwrrrr!"

The beast is angry. "Woman, calm down. So what I didn't like your book. You still got rich and created millions of just as awful copycats."

"Raaaawwwwrrrr!"

I run downstairs to the basement as she stamps behind me. I find my COMPLETELY ORIGINAL combat suit and chuck it on...

Damn I look good. As she reaches my position, I throw my trusty shield but it has little to no effect, talk about emasculating. "Woman! Don't be mad because Maybe, Misery was better written! At least my character admitted his flaws,"

"Raaaawwwwrrrr!"

"Shut up! You're going to wake Scarlett!"

"Raaaawwwwrrrr!"

For Christ sake, there's only one thing I can do in this position. I take a leaf out of my own book, not literally, why would a book have leafs in it?

I grab some pink tie wraps from the draw...

E L stops dead in her tracks... "Tie wraps, kinky."

With fury upon my face I shout "That's my line!!!!!!!"

I sprint towards her and barge her onto the floor. I head to the bedroom and tell Scarlett to make me a sandwich. Then I don my swat uniform from the time I had to replace Colin Farrell on a film, they sacked him because he decided to star in Daredevil...

I shut off the power and sneak down the stairs. I move swiftly around the corners and I find her in the living room, stomping, grunting... BANG! I squeeze the trigger and she falls to the floor in a heap.

I step over to the body and as she takes her last breathe, I mutter the words "no one fucks with me, you little whore." In true Maybe, Misery fashion.

After the police came and enjoyed our party, cities everywhere rejoiced at the news. I was done, it was time to say good bye, get in my private aircraft and fly away to our Island. Good bye America, it's time for Jeremy Clarkson to take charge.

Here is a picture of our private jet...

Thanks NASA ... Live long and prosper.

*DISCLAIMER* - Author Chris Bailey, hopes you have enjoyed the adventures of the fictional character, Chris Bailey. These events are purely fictional and person(s) insulted, are purely in jest (for the most part). Also, stay away from my saga J.J!