Painful Parodies V: Chris Bailey's Day Off!

After returning from outer-space, I felt it was time for a well earned day off. I woke up around half ten and went downstairs to find Scarlett Johannson cooking me a full English, without tomatoes of course. This pleased me, as did the text from Eva Mendes claiming she was unhappy with that smooth bastard Ryan Gosling. I filled Scarlett in about how I purged the universe of that awful alien and we sat down to eat. Scarlett tells me that the ranch is haunted, we ponder for a second over who were gonna call.

I put on some pants and decide to go for a walk with Scarlett. We walk by the sea and see the Statue of Liberty. They've changed it since I embarked on my voyage...

This amused Scarlett and myself. Talk about the shameless plugging of a national hero. Then we headed into the city and stopped by a news stand for some bottled water. I couldn't help but noticed they have put me on the cover of Men's Health AGAIN...

Dammit! They didn't get my best side! This day is going terribly. Scarlett tries to make my feel better by telling me that I'm better looking than Ryan Reynolds. I already knew this and it has nothing to do with the reason why I cast him out of America. Two words: Green Lantern. 

Speaking of movies, we stroll past the multiplex and they're still showing my first featuring film, The Wolverbailey...

Scarlett tells me I need a haircut, I tell her that she needs to make more movies like Lost in Translation and less like Lucy. She isn't impressed. Suddenly I get a phone call from an unknown number, it's Justin Beibler or what ever the fuck his name is. He tells me that he wasn't happy with my interview in which I described him as being as useful, as a sperm-less testicle. He has the nerve to challenge me to a fight, but pleads with me not to hit him in the face, fat chance. 

I meet him in the local boxing gym and we enter the ring. He's so scrawny, like a small child and his voice grates. This is a picture of me punching beiebebler in the face... 

  

It's safe to say, I wiped the smile of that awful face. He cried and cried, especially when Selena Gomez wanted to come back to my place. I would of said no, but before I had the chance, Scarlett went all Black Widow on her ass.

We returned to the ranch where Bill Murray and Dan Akroyd were waiting for us.

"What are you guys doing here?"

"Scarlett called us."

"But I ain't afraid of no ghost."