Painful Parodies VII! Chris Bailey Conquers Michael Bay!

There I was, living out my life in peace. Away from humanities grasp and far from trouble. Then like a flash bang grenade Scarlett hit me with the line. "We need to talk." Long story short, we broke up. I gave her a good bye present and we went our separate ways. Though after a bite from the black widow spider I gave her, I doubt she made it off the island. How's that for irony.

All alone on the Island, I had seemingly lost my way and my slender waist...

Lost and alone, I was in a perpetual state of self loathing. That is, until I switched on the television and witnessed a travesty! A Michael Bay film titled Transformers! After having fond memories of all things Cybertron, this diabolical version of my childhood favourite filled me with a rage long since forgotten. Well since I eliminated E.L. James.

I spent four months solid, in the gym working myself back to a reasonable shape. It's safe to say I was pleased with the results...

I messaged Eva Mendes and told her I was coming home. She was over the moon, I'm guessing it was because she had broken things off with that moody bastard, Ryan Gosling. She also informed me that Jeremy Clarkson was no longer president.

Here's a picture of me with the current president ...

Unfortunately, I found that Obama (in charge for the second time) and Michael Bay were working together. This didn't go well and I soon took charge of America once more, via a hulk smash. I'm sorry for that Barrack, get well soon.

Rather than jumping straight into another fight, I decided to do some research. So off I went to the studio, so I could witness the newest piece of shit in the making.

Here's what I saw...

I don't know what that is but I wasn't impressed. I sneakily went and stood next to Michael and some funny looking gimp...

I don't know who he is but I heard Michael say this: "We may be wankers Shia, but we're going to be rich wankers."

Enough is enough! I pace over and slap Michael Bay on the back of the head, like the naughty child he is and he pounces up in anger. "Who the hell are you and what are you doing on the set of my shit movie?"

"I'm Chris Bailey. President Bailey to you small child!"

"Listen, I had a deal with Obama, I can ruin anything I want! I can do anything! I am the unstoppable Michael Bay! I must create BAYHEM!"

Right then and there, I wanted to crush him into tiny pieces. Then I thought, maybe not this time. Maybe I have grown as a person.

"I'll tell you what, if you stick your head inside the mouth of that conveniently placed crocodile and survive, I'll leave you alone to make your trash. Deal?"

"Fine! I'm Michael Bay and I'm unstoppable! I must create BAYHEM!"

"That's not an actual word Michael and saying over and over again, doesn't make it so."

Here's the last picture of Michael Bay with his head still attached to his body...

It's safe to say, he will not be returning for Transformers 12 and like Kim Kardashians ass, the whole thing was over rated and underwhelming. Though his girl-like squeal did amuse. Michael Bay felt pain and I gained the favour of all those millions who hated his movies.

Suddenly, my phone rings to the tone of 'Bad boys, bad boys, what ya gonna do.' And it's Megan Fox. I consider answering until I realise that Eva Mendes is already waiting.