MASSIVE DISCLAIMER: Anybody who bothered to read the individual Maybe, Misery parts will be fully aware that a lot can change after an editing process, so please bare that in mind. Anyway, I won't keep you any longer, enjoy ...
17th September 2013
Singularity
“Deep breathes Sarah …”
“What do you think I’m doing?” I exclaim with ferocity.
“Calm down, you’re doing fine.”
“Calm down! You calm …”
My grilling of Dr Clarke is interrupted by immense pain, my baby is coming and it hurts like hell. Words can’t explain how it feels to deliver a baby into the world. Men claim they understand but really, they have absolutely no clue. I’d pay to see a man be split open from the inside by something the size of child; see how manly they would be then!
I lay here sweating, tormented by agonising pain combined with the worries of whether I’m going to be a good mother or not and Richards unintentional condescending comments are not helping. I was not built to do this alone, After Amanda past away I knew I would struggle but how I feel now is ridiculously fearful.
Now I lay here alone with only Richard to help me bring my baby into this damaged planet and it does not help that there’s twenty people stood outside the room!
As I await the next contraction of pain, Richard shuffles to the side of the bed and gives me his hand to squeeze. He looks into my eyes and reassures me I’m doing well.
It feels like I have been suffering for an eternity! What feels like a day later, Dr Clarke peaks his head between my legs and tells me it’s time. This comforts me knowing that the pain will soon be over and I will have a child to cherish and care for.
“Right Sarah, you’re doing really well but I need you to start pushing okay. This baby isn’t going to come out by itself.”
“Okay …”
I take a deep breathe of the gas and air and try to prepare myself mentally. It does not work!
“Right deep breathes Sarah and I need you to give me a big push.”
I push as hard as I can, the pain causes me to scream, I press the oxygen mask to my face and take a deep breathe.
“You’re doing well sweetie, I need you to push again for me now.”
I push again! It feels like all my energy is being pushed out of my body.
“That’s fantastic, I can see the head. I need you to do a big push for me now. It’s nearly over I promise.”
I inhale as deeply as I can and push as hard as I can. I feel as if I’m being split open from the inside out, like the lower half of my body is an erupting volcano. It’s just not fair how a man’s pleasure turns into my pain, men don’t know a God damned thing!
“We’ve got the shoulders! Just one more push! You’re almost done.”
Once again I push, harder than before; harder than I have ever had to push. Luckily I feel my baby almost slide out of me as I continue to push out the bag of placenta and then the sound of silence.
“Is he okay?! Why is he not screaming?”
As Richard cuts the cord he smiles at me and then swiftly wraps my boy in a towel and places him in my arms. As I gazed lovingly at my new born baby boy, I smile to myself and let out a sigh of relief. I look upon my boy and fall instantly in love. As he lies in my arms, he lets out a little whimper but no screams. After I lay here for a while, I finally get my breath back.
“Thank you for everything. I could not have done it without you.”
“You don’t have to thank me, you did really well tonight. Pass him to me and I’ll clean him up for you, have you decided on a name?”
I hand my son over to Richard and I smile as I tell him the name I have favoured for some time.
“Yes Jacob … Talon.”
“That’s a lovely name, his father would be proud of you both.”
I smile at Richard as he holds my baby. It’s nice to see that there are still a few good men left in this world.
The good doctor once again places my cleaned up baby in my arms and kisses my head. I look up at him for a second and as he smiles back at me, I feel as if I’m not entirely alone for the first time in a long while.
I look towards the door and see the demented smiles of my fellow residents. I pre-emptively told Richard to make sure they leave me alone. He thankfully shares my views as long as I allowed him to spend the night with me at the hospital so he can keep an eye on Jacob, and he insisted he does the night feeds so I can have some sleep. As he ushers away the uninvited guests, I feel grateful that he has kept his word.
As I gaze at my new born child, already looking like Lance, he’s going to be trouble when he grows up that’s for sure. I don’t know how I will teach him, I have no idea how I will keep him fed and clothed but if there’s one thing I am certain of; it’s that I will love him and keep him safe.
It’s strange how things turn out; it was not even a year ago that I was supposed to be a surrogate for Amanda; now I’m here with a child of my own and no sister. Despite everything I know she would have been proud of me for doing this by on my own.
“Science is different to all other systems of thought … because you don’t need faith in it, you can check that it works.”
Brian Cox
Ode to the Earth
“Jacob what are you doing?” I’m asked.
“Nothing mother, I’m just fixing the shower.”
“The shower wasn’t broken!” She replies in a confused manner. It bloody is, it has the pressure of being rained on.
“Why cant you be a normal ten year old and just play?”
Mum has a valid point but I enjoy fiddling with objects, exploring their components to see if I can make them function more efficiently and most of the time I succeed; just don’t ask about the toaster, she still hasn’t forgiven me for that one!
“Well after your done fixing everything, it’s time to go to the meet.”
“I don’t want to go!” Stupid meets, every week our group have a meeting and discus goings on except; there’s nothing going on! Hence why I’ve distracted myself by improving our facilities.
“We have to go sonny boy so there is absolutely no point arguing with me again! Plus, Bethany may be there, I know you like her.”
Mother smiles at me as that last sentence crawls out of her mouth as it has a million times before. Bethany is the only other child in our group and no, I don’t like her; She annoys me just like everything and everyone else.
I have grown up in this apartment block, ten years with nothing to do! My mother tells me of stories from her past and all the awesome things she used to do but can I do them? NO! All I do is study from tattered books and clean our home. I’m even being forced to write a stupid diary as to practice my writing, like I don’t do enough during the day! Fiddling with stuff is honestly the closest I get to having any fun. Everyone in our community treat me like I’m special, yet I have no friends.
Doctor Clarke occasionally comes around and attempts to spend time with me, Id rather he didn’t and the fact that I can clearly see he’s only making an effort because he has a thing for mum angers me even more.
I ask her what happened to our planet that forbids me from leaving our designated area, she gives me a vague answer. I ask her about my father, another vague answer. All she will tell me is that he was a brilliant man, like that satisfies my needs. I hate being ten and treated like a child! I know more than these so called people I’m surrounded by!
“Come on monster, time to go.”
“Fine.”
Mother takes my hand pulls me towards her for a cuddle. I try to battle her off me but the woman is surprisingly strong.
“Give mummy a hug you big sulky puss.”
“Woman, behave!” She laughs and tells me I’m just like my father … I hate that.
We head out of the door and down the sets of stairs towards the Priests home. The air is stuffy tonight, the blackened sky starless, luckily the moon is a full one which distracts me from the fact my mum insists on holding my hand even though were travelling about 50 meters. We knock on the door and Doctor Clarke answers.
“Hey, how are you two today?” He asks all smiley and bugged eyed like a love struck idiot, plus he already knows how we are! He was at our house two hours ago!
“We are fine thank you Richard.” Mother also replies all smiley and she calls him by his first name, he’s a doctor damn it! Having all twenty survivors in one room certainly makes for some peculiar smells, mostly under-arm.
The priests front room has had all the furniture removed, well asides from the twenty wooden chairs aligned in a circle almost covering the tacky red, flower covered carpet.
Priest Bernard - Old, fat, bearded and a misled, obnoxious God worshipping idiot. How anyone alive today can believe there’s a higher power looking over us is beyond me. Somehow this crazy buffoon has hypnotised everyone here; which much to my chagrin includes my own mother.
“Shall we begin?”
Everyone nods accordingly, except me of course.
“Excellent. First off, thank you all for attending. We have some big news tonight.”
What’s that? You’re going to shut up and let someone else talk for a change? I bloody doubt it. Every week it’s the same, resources are low, God is challenging us; Bethany and I have been chosen to help rebuild mankind. 1. We know resources are low because we have no resources! I had corned beef for breakfast and again for dinner! 2. Sitting in a room with this priest for any amount of time only proves that if there is a God; he’s in fact punishing us and 3. I’m not even allowed to fix the shower so he can shut up.
“How exciting! What is it?” Asks a hyper-active Harriet.
Harriet - Crazy, old and also annoying. I think the day of the dead sent her insane, all she does is smile and … well that’s it really, I don’t like her.
“Phil will explain all in a minute dear. First, I want to say thank you to the lord for fixing the lock on the gate so let us say a prayer to our lord.”
“What! I fixed that bloody mechanism!”
“Jacob! Behave now!” Pleads my mother, trying to silence the truth in order to keep the peace.
“You’re right son and without the lord you wouldn’t exist, so calm your temper and say your prayer.”
Yes because I was born out of divine intervention wasn’t I? Nothing to do with sperm, eggs and a bed. I look over at my mother furious at what has transpired and she scowls at me as if I was in the wrong! This is ridiculous! I stand here angry whilst they all bow their heads and pray to a God that obviously doesn’t exist.
“… Amen. Now to our big news, I’ll hand you over to Phillip.”
Phillip Bertrand - Mixed race, tall, former amateur boxer and old. I don’t mind him too much but his over-enthusiastic and egotistic manner does annoy.
“As you know, we have been searching for functioning vehicles for a while now and we have finally found one! It’s a five seater so I’m looking for four others to travel with me, were going to Rubinstein! We‘ve had reports from passers by that there‘s many food storage factories that have remained untouched!”
It’s funny because not once in ten years have I ever seen one of these people passing by.
The crowd cheer and nearly all the hands are raised high in the air, two of which belong to me; well until mother notices and bats them down. I want to go and explore! Instead I’m stuck here in this hell hole. Phil picks his four and I am not one of them, this day is getting worse by the second. I turn my back and storm out of the door.
Just as I escape unnoticed I bump straight into the demonic spawn that is Beth. The ‘other’ child in our complex. She’s small and agitating, constantly telling on me when I attempt to do something I’m not supposed to, even if it’s to benefit this make believe community. I hate her! Girls are rubbish.
“Watch were you’re going will you!” Beth bellows at me with her squeaky annoying voice.
“Why don’t you watch where you are going!”
Beth barges past me and shouts to my mother that I’ve run out. I scowl at her as my mother indeed exit’s the Priest home and drags me back to our home; she looks angry, like I’ve done something wrong.
“Listen to me Jacob! You’re a very smart little boy, extremely smart in fact, just like your father but this is our home and you need to show some respect for the people here.”
“You mention my father like he’s here! I’m smarter than all those idiots! Yet you tie me down like one of them!”
Mother gets down on her knees and places her hands on my shoulders.
“I know, that’s because I wish he was here, if only for your sake … You’re probably right but it’s too dangerous for you to be out there.”
My mothers gradually calming tone sooths my aggressive attitude; sometimes I hate the effect this woman has on me.
“I don’t want to be stuck here with these people forever, I want us to find my dad.”
“When your old enough, I promise you we will find him; deal?”
“Deal.”
“Now give me a cuddle you mischievous monkey.”
I move in close and accept the embrace of my mothers arms, they’re warm and welcoming; a feeling that I wish would last an eternity. She uses her arms to push me away and reaches behind the chair.
“I have something for you. Richard found it.”
“What is it?”
“It’s nothing special, just something for you to carry all your projects around in.”
Mother pulls out a backpack, covered in square coloured patches with a red mountain-like logo on the smaller pocket. This will do nicely.
“Thank you mother.”
“You’re welcome son.”
We spend the rest of the night talking about our eventual adventure. I feel overly excited and I just wish I would grow to a suitable age over night. If the world is a wasteland I want to see if for myself, I’m sick of reading about a civilisation that no longer exists! I want to see it! As I start to feel sleepy, mother tucks me into bed and kisses me on the forehead.
24th March 2013
Breaking Bad News
Today is my birthday, usually a time of celebration but not this year. Last year David took me on a romantic trip to Paris, it was the best time of my life. My darling husband made us a picnic under the stars of the French sky and it only helped cement why I fell in love with him in the first place. It was a replica of our first date. A picnic by the lake. As I smiled nervously, our first encounter was well and truly underway. If only I knew then that my happiness would lead to this. David is smart, successful and yet he has never neglected to show me he cares; which makes everything that’s happened lately so difficult to deal with.
After my talk with the councillor, I spoke to David as she suggested and we started to build an understanding of how we both felt and I can honestly say that things were improving. Unfortunately now David has begun chemotherapy things are slowly taking a turn for the worse, again.
He’s constantly throwing up, his face is as pale as a ghost and every time we attempt to be intimate, we have to stop because it causes him pain; which in turn causes him to lose his temper because he can’t provide for his wife’s needs. I’ve told him countless times that it’s not important but he fails to listen.
“Are you ready my love?” I ask David. It’s time for his appointment at the hospital. We have been draining our rainy day fund to get David the best care which includes more frequent check ups and experimental drugs; my husband has taken to know of these particularly well.
“Let’s just get this over with, I feel like I’m never away from that bloody place.”
“I know but we need to do this.”
“I know, I know.” And with that said David tries to get up from his chair but is unable. I walk over and place his arm over my shoulder, I use all my strength to lift him up and we head slowly to the car.
A short drive later we arrive at the hospital, which is soon becoming our home away from home. I fetch David a wheelchair, prop him into it and we enter the last stop for so many. We wait patiently for Doctor Clarke who soon comes to greet us.
“Hello, I’m sorry I kept you waiting. How are you too feeling today?”
“As good as can be expected doctor.” I reply with haste before David has chance to vent his frustration.
“Okay, well lets not keep you any longer than necessary, we’ll begin your treatment so you can get back to your home.”
“Thank you doctor.”
It’ll be at least a ninety minute wait so I decide to head out for some fresh air. The stench of death, hopelessness and overwhelming dread fills the air. The blandly painted halls only serve to increase my worry.
Outside, the rain pours thick and fast; perfectly fitting for my mood. I run to the car and jump in yet I still manage to be half drenched. As I warm my hands on in front of the heater, I notice David has left his phone on his seat. I pick it up and just stare at the screensaver for a second, it’s a picture of the two of us from a long time ago, we were so happy then. I subconsciously unlock it and scroll through his contacts without knowing what I’m looking for … Then I see it, Sam’s number.
David and Sam haven’t spoken in such a long time, Sam fell out with my husband because … David wasn’t around anymore. I remember when I first met David; he, Sam and Lance were such good friends. It was all due to his job, he was away for months at a time and when David finally came home, he wanted to spend his time with me so they drifted apart. I felt partly responsible, but with David’s job being so time consuming he missed out on so many occasions. He missed both of their weddings, the births of their children but when he couldn’t make it to Lances Nan’s funeral , that was the final straw for Sam. David tried his hardest to be there but he was on the other side of the ocean, they could have been more understanding.
I feel this overwhelming urge and I press the dial key. It rings a few times and then the phone is answered but I am met with only silence, not a welcoming hello.
“Sam,” I mutter softly.
“Jane? What’s the matter?”
“Sam … David has cancer.”
The line goes silent for a second. “How bad is it?” Asks Sam when he finally responds.
“It’s the worse kind, I don’t know what to do.”
“Shit, I don’t know what to say … I’m sorry Jane.”
My eyes start to flood. “I can’t lose him Sam!”
“Have you spoken to Lance?”
“No, you’re the first person I have phoned.”
“Then I suggest you phone him, Lance and I have been working on a possible cure. It’s extremely promising but Lance has all the samples we’ve managed to create.”
“Really? This is fantastic news!” I wipe away the tears and I cant help but smile.”
“I wouldn’t get your hopes up too soon Jane. Edison has been quarantined, apparently there has been some kind of outbreak so no one is coming in and out, but I’m sure it’ll be sorted within a few days. I’ve got a sick wife and child here myself.”
“Aw how is poor Max? David is always talking about him.”
“Your husband has never met him and as I mentioned, he’s very sick.”
Sam’s stern tone indicates resentment. David always said he was the type to hold a grudge. “I suggest you try and get in contact with Lance as soon as possible, I have to go now Jane. I have problems of my own.”
And just like that, the line goes dead.
Just as I’m about to ring lance, I decide to turn on the radio in an attempt to suppress my worries, unfortunately what I hear only adds to it:
“… And today’s top story, The city of Edison has been quarantined due to a recent outbreak. Authorities have responded by claiming it’s only a routine precaution but our reporter tells us the city has been completely cut off from the outside world. Facts are thin on the ground so stayed tuned for more updates as they come in; you heard it here first on A.P.A.R. Radio.”
I twist the volume knob and I dial Lances number … it doesn't ring at all but it could just be an old number, they haven’t spoken in a long time. I sit in my car contemplating numerous ideas of how to reach Lance only to realize that the ninety minutes have passed and it’s time to collect my husband. At least I know there’s hope, it’s the only thing left for me.
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